An angry and bitter Santa Claus was rescued by NATO quick-response forces in the early hours of Christmas Eve, when troops stormed the kitchen of the Lido restaurant and extracted Claus by force. Shots were fired, and several Lido dishwashers suffered wounds. The kidnappers fled on foot, leaving Santa Claus dazed and blinded from a head wound inflicted by an errant gas grenade.
"I can't see a goddamned thing," Claus said as he was taken from the restaurant in a stretcher, "and I can tell you if I have anything to say no single Latvian child will receive gifts this year." Claus vowed never to return to Latvia and suggested the "goddamned IMF" handle any gift giving in Latvia since they, in Claus' words, "seemed to have buggered the whole thing anyway."
Film footage recorded from international press helicopters showed Latvian police hot on the kidnappers' trail, until they were enticed to enter an Old Town strip club. "They've had a long day," said a spokesman for the city. "It's time to relax and take up the chase another day."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
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