Latvians Kidnap, Murder Santa Claus

In what is being called a follow-up to the "crater coup," Latvians are believed to have kidnapped and murdered Santa Claus in order to gain attention on the world stage. As of noon yesterday, Finnish officials reported Santa missing from his regular post in the northern city of Rovaniemi. A search uncovered a note in Baltic English from kidnappers identifying themselves as Latvian: We take fater Kristmas. Talk about Latvija in world press or we burn down Disneyland next.
Reached by authorities at the cell phone number the kidnappers provided, the Latvians claimed that Santa had been raped, tortured, blinded with a hot poker, and then dispatched with eight grams to the back of the head. NATO quick response teams have been dispatched to Latvia and the search for the King of Christmas is underway.