Pope Performs In Front of Thousands

On December 24, 25, 26 and 27, nothing interesting happened in the Baltic states. As a result, as this paper has done for over 300 years, the Livonian Chronicle reports holiday news from the Vatican.
EWTN, The Global Catholic Network, reports that on 24 December, while entering St. Peter's Basilica to celebrate the christmas vigil Mass, the Pope was attacked by a 25 year old Swiss-Italian woman. After a brief interlude on the ground with the woman, the Pope got back onto his feet, to the cheers of the thousands who had gathered in the basilica. The Pope gave no direct comment on the incident, but during his Midnight Mass homily, he spoke, hands raised above his head in victory, and said "today's events prove that God hears the prayers of old men." A spokesman for the Vatican denies rumors that the Pontiff has since taken up smoking.