Skid-marks Case Baffles Experts

The number of registered crimes in Estonia fell last year to 48,359, with police declaring 48.5% of them solved. Unsolved remains the mysterious case of which parliamentarian wiped his bottom with the expensive white hand towels in the riigikogu bathrooms. Known locally as the skid-marks case, it has baffled both local police as well as special investigators from KaPo. "We'd like to conduct a DNA test but don't have the court-issued authorization to take a blood- or skin sample from every parliamentarian," said KaPo spokesman Karl Kakamäe. "That may take six months or longer to get and by that time our forensics experts say the fecal matter on the towels is worthless."
But not everyone believes it should be so complicated. "Everyone knows who's doing it," said Tiit Tüütu, custodian for the parliament's second-floor lavatory, "but they all just keep silent. I don't think we need Miami CSI to solve this one." Parliament Speaker Ene Ergma has been particularly upset by the incident and has repeatedly voiced worry. "I don't want this on my Wikipedia page," she told an interviewer with the weekly Eesti Ekspress. Ergma is a leading proponent of the theory that members of the Tallinn city government have infiltrated the premises and are perpetrating the crime. "There is no real basis for that theory," noted KaPo's Kakumäe.