Monday, February 22, 2010

Russia to Execute Its Non-medalist Olympic Athletes

Ranking only seventh in the medal count, Russia's Olympic Committee announced today that athletes not winning medals would be executed upon their return to Russia. "Seventh place is simply not acceptable for Russia," said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. "To some this measure may seem Draconian but the Russian people understand."
"I understand," said Sergei Dmitrovich, a Russian citizen in the arctic village of Umba who was watching the Olympics at the village's only working television. "I believe in the end this new policy will make us stronger." A recent survey showed that 90 percent of Russians favored what is locally termed the Death to Losers Policy. "I'm a farmer," said Dmitri Sergeiyevich reached by phone in Russia's Volga region. "If I don't meet my quotas I pay a penalty. Why should it be different for athletes?" Prime Minister Putin seemed not worried that the state's new policy might increase defections, noting "Who'd take fourth-place finisher when even Belarus can medal?"
"Ask no quarter. Give none." Vladimir Putin (above) on Russia's new Olympic policy.

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