Lithuanian Parliament Warms to Homosexuals

The Lithuanian parliament, in a 58-4 vote, approved amendments to legislation which had sparked criticism from gay rights groups when it was passed in July. The law bars the "public dissemination" of information favorable to homosexuality, claiming it could harm the mental health of minors. The legislation also covered foul language and bad eating habits. The amendments allow advertising on behalf of fashion designers, curtain manufacturers, and 'anyone speaking with an audible lisp,' but stopped short of allowing men who carry purses or tiny rat dogs to publicly express their beliefs, whatever those might be.
Over a lunch of cepelini in rendered fat, with chicken jello and vodka, the MP who authored the original bill, Alvirdas Sigonvicius said, "We are modern Europeans, but homosexuality, foul language, and bad eating habits are destroying our society." Asked if better education and paying closer attention to mother at the dinner table might assuage these problems, he said through a mouthful of food, "No, goddamn it! We've modeled our law on the most forward thinking legislation being carried out internationally, such as in Uganda. They don't like faggots neither," and blew his nose in the linen napkin.

Lithuanian fish cheese

Lithuanian Seimas MP Haraldis Jonkovicius demands to know why Lithuanian seamen are discriminated against when traveling to the United States. The MP does not understand why Lithuanian seamen are required visas even though Lithuanian tourists enjoy visa free travel to the US. "This causes serious inconvenience and financial costs," said Jonkovicius, “and it’s not fair.” In response, a U.S. Customs official who wished to remain anonymous said “It’s the smell when those fellows come off the boat. Like old cheese, on the wharf. Like fish cheese. Hey, that might play in the old world, but over here in America we believe in processed cheese products. So we make them get visas. And a shower."

Husky Murders Nativity-scene Lamb

Catholics reeled in horror as a local Siberian husky fled his dogsled exhibit at the Old Town Vilnius petting zoo and nativity scene and tore into a lamb standing next to Baby Jesus. A local photographer captured the first few frames of the attack (above). Within a fraction of a second the husky had severed the lamb's artery and blood spewed throughout the nativity scene, covering Joseph, Mary, as well as the Baby Jesus. "We had to change outfits there was so much blood," said Arturas Kornkavicius, who played Joseph. Magda Prutaviciene, a veteran player of Mary, called it "traumatic." The crowd was unsympathetic, however, and many cheered as the husky devoured the lamb. "Joseph, Mary, and Jesus do nothing but stand there and get paid for it," remarked witness Mikas Pintalavicius, who added that often the actors observe pickpockets work the crowd but remain quiet and stationery.
Services for the lamb, a member of Local 272 of the Screen Actors Guild, will be held Tuesday morning in Vilnius.

Velcro Airline Announces Expansion

"Air carriers announce news," wrote Baltic Standby News to break the story that Lithuania's Star1 Airlines [the Velcro People™] will increase flights to London. The velcro flights have proved so popular that the airline's regular passengers have purchased their own colorful velcro suits. "Many are tired of basic velcro black," noted Star1 Communications Manager Ausra Tursiene, "so these frequent fliers had their own suits made in brighter tones like blaze and periwinkle." Tursiene said Star1 rigorously checks all custom suits of their passengers to ensure they meet EU safety requirements. "After all, we're the Velcro People-trademark pending!" added Tursiene.

Star1 Airlines adds flights without aircraft

Vilnius: Despite having no planes, Lithuanian Star1 Airlines will soon operate five flights to London a week. "London is one of the most important destinations for the Lithuanian business community," says Star1 Airlines Communications Manager Ausra Tursiene. Asked how flights could be added without aircraft, Tursiene explained “When it's dark, we sneak out and cover the exterior of another company's plane with Velcro. Then we distribute insulated Velcro suits to all our fee paying passengers, and they just ‘climb aboard.’ “ According to Tursiene, this is both ethical and environmentally friendly. “We have zero emissions on our Velcro flights, although we’ve had to discontinue in flight drinks service,” she admits. The company’s slogan has been changed to “Stick With Us.”

Viva la Lietuva

LONDON. Lithuania's economic growth will remain "sluggish" for at least three years, Moody's Investors Service said. The country's Baa1 government bond ratings reflect its “high institutional strength, its rising government debt, and its ongoing battle with cholesterol," Moody's said in a sovereign credit report on Lithuania today. Kenneth Orchard, Vice President of Moody's, said "Lithuania's economy has long rested on its rich diet of pork fat, cepelinis, and bacon wrapped banana desserts. This has been damaged by the crisis, and growth is unlikely to return in the foreseeable future.
The problem is one of digestion,” said Orchard. In places like Spain, they have ‘vegetables,’ which come from the Latin ‘vegetabilis,’ meaning ‘things you eat that don’t make you fat,’ he said. “Lithuanian doesn’t even have a word for ‘vegetable,’ which has both macroeconomic and gastrointestinal consequences. For this reason,” said Orchard, “we recommend that Lithuania annex itself to Spain. Spanish vegetables would help Lithuania’s economy and its GI tract. Add some flamenco dancing and sangria, and half the population of the UK would relocate, or at least visit more often.”

Lithuanian Airports For Rent

Over ten months of this year, the number of passengers traveling through Lithuania's airports stood at 16,000, a decrease of 2,930 % year on year. According to Jonas Ksisniglasskvuicius, director of Lithuanian Department of Statistics, the majority of passengers seemed to have simply stopped coming. Of the few that couldn’t avoid the Vilnius airport, 15.9% were from the United Kingdom, “but they were drunk and thought they were in Liverpool, so it doesn’t really count,” said Ksisniglasskvuicius. 12.8% of passengers were from Latvia, 10% from Germany, and 8.4% from Ireland. The remaining 52.9% arrived on U.S. government planes, according to Ksisniglasskvuicius. “We were unable to determine their countries of origin, as they had all accidentally forgotten their passports, and most were hooded and unable to speak. The U.S. government officials traveling with them explained that this was just an elaborate game of ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ with government interns. At least someone is able to have fun in the Vilnius airport,” said Ksisniglasskvuicius.

How (Bad) Am I Doing?

VILNIUS. Only 8.8 percent of Lithuanians see the current government's work in a positive light, a new poll has revealed. Beta.lt has conducted the poll, which shows that 29% of Lithuanians believe “my dog would do a better job governing,” while 23% say the current government would “provide more stability as boat anchors." Approximately 78.6 percent of Lithuania's population consider the Cabinet’s work as “for shit,” while another 42.3 percent of the respondents say they “give up and will annex themselves to Poland." Just 0.6 percent of citizens (approximately 13) see the actions of the Cabinet as "rather fine", but according to Beta.lt, they appear to be the Cabinet members themselves.

Military Menage a Trois

Lithuania, Poland and Ukraine are to set up a three-nation military brigade, in a drive to boost Ukraine's ties with NATO, Warsaw said Monday. Defense Ministers for all three countries will sign an accord at NATO's Brussels headquarters next week. The three-way brigade will be known in army-speak as LITPOLUKRBRIG.
Stanislav Koscielski, a Polish Defense Ministry representative and spokesman for the new brigade said “We have worked hard on this. Competition has been especially fierce for naming the brigade.” He continued, “the Lithuanians suggested the brigade be called KLSZWMRSYSKJANECEK, which is Polish for ‘apple.’ Ukrainian forces lobbied hard for UPYOURSCOMMIEBASTRDS. But after long discussion, we adopted LITPOLUKRBRIG, which spelled backwards is the name of my grandmother’s heart medication.”

Meet Mr. Euro

Although the Baltic premiers have agreed a joint action plan for the introduction of the euro, the Baltic countries will be unable to introduce the euro simultaneously. Estonian President Toomas Hendrik Ilves said at a meeting with the Estonian parliament’s Finance Committee last week, that Estonia’s 2010 budget must ensure accession to the euro zone in 2011. According to Janis Blumenthals, analyst with SEB Enskilda, Latvia “has a little work yet to do,” and could introduce the euro in 2041 at the earliest. Lithuania on the other hand, has abandoned plans to introduce the Euro. Vindaugas Symkus, spokesman for Lithuanian Central Bank, said “Introduce the Euro? To whom? If the Euro hasn’t already been properly introduced to all Lithuanians, why should it be our job to do it? It’s just silly. We’re the central bank, not a bunch of party organizers for crissakes.”