BBN Named "Biggest Whores, February"

In a monthly competition sponsored by the International Newspaper Press Association, BBN Estonia has been named "Biggest Whores, February 2010" for their treatment of the story of the portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci arriving in Estonia via Air Baltic.
"Can you get any lazier than just running a press release?" asked INPA spokesman David Carpathian. "BBN turned a wonderful story about a discovered portrait--indeed, a historic occasion--into a plug for some insignificant Baltic airline. It is shame at a whole new level." BBN's February 5th headline read Leonardo da Vinci Booked for AirBaltic Flight, with a story not choosing to mention the historical significance of the event until its final paragraph. "Usually we wait until the beginning of the following month to give the award for the previous month," said the newspaper association's Carpathian, "but this time a whole new level of whoredom was reached and we felt compelled to give the award before even ten days of the month were out."
BBN will receive ten boxes of XL t-shirts bearing the words "Press Whore" and a free AirBaltic pen and pencil set for each member of the staff.

Latvian Political Parties Update Image

Two of Latvia’s ruling coalition parties - New Era and Civic Union – have decided to merge. The formation, approved by Civic Union on Saturday, will be called Unity. New Era members will vote on the merger February 13. Explaining the name choice, Unity spokesman Sandijs Savieniba said “We tried to join our names together, like NEWCIVIC ERAUNION, but that sounded like a Japanese car commercial.” On hearing the news, other Latvian political parties rushed to update their images. The party of Aivars Lembergs, the Union of Greens and Farmers was first. Zals Zemnieks, their spokesman, said, “We thought our new name could be Greens & Farmers, Ha Ha Ha, cause who ever heard of Greens teaming up with Farmers? We needed something to capture that 'out there' image we cherish. And after more than nine minutes of debate, we’ve selected Planet Zog, and the motto It’s not a place; it’s a party.
Andris Skele’s office announced that his People’s Party has changed their name to Robin Hood & His Merry Men, “Because,” said spokesman Barons Bledis, “like Robin Hood, we steal from the rich and give to the poor.” Asked what they give to the poor, Bledis said “Usually, a swift kick up the ars to help them get up, get a job and stop sucking off society's tit. Lazy buggers. I hate the poor,” he muttered under his breath.
Latvia’s First Party / Latvia’s Way issued a press release saying, “Name changes are mere political grandstanding, and we refuse to participate in this charade.” The statement was signed by First Party’s leader, L. Ron Hubbard, formerly known as Ainars Slesers.

Estonians Name Children After Security Codes

"This is Europe's newest trend," said Estonian Prime Minister Andrus Ansip, "and it was all Estonia's idea!" Eurostat data shows that ninety percent of Estonian mothers have registered their newborns' names following the first security code required for posting commentary on a website they encountered after birth.
"I've named my new baby Gughtwr," beamed an Estonian mother in the Pelgulinn Children's Hospital. "I think it's a beautiful name, and it's uniquely European." Evelin, the mother in the bed next to her had named her newborn Fwoamqd. "Some of the names with numbers are a bit harder to pronounce," said Evelin, "but they're beautiful, too."
Estonian Finance Minister Jürgen Ligi says he is not worried that numbers incorporated into a child's name will make use of the Estonian ID card more difficult. "We have the world's best programmers, and we'll find a way around it." Ligi himself recently named his newborn Cran9FtZigfot, which he said he found on the BBN site he regularly spams with English comments.
Jürgen Ligi's new baby, Cran9FTZigfot, pictured in its first week.

Obama, Ilves, Putin Join in Speechmaking Pact

Barack Obama, Toomas Hendrik Ilves, and Vladimir Putin have signed an agreement to all use the same three sentences somewhere in their next official national addresses. What kind of an animal could have done such a thing? will be the opening sentence of each head of state's speech.
"We kind of got to talking about speeches over a beer," said Obama, "and decided wouldn't it be fun if we all had to work the same three sentences into a speech. That 'animal' line was Ilves' and I think it's a pretty good one." Obama himself then offered the second, The beast will have its day. "I was unsure," said Obama, "whether Ilves was taking a shot at Russia or whether he just likes Hollywood movie trailers, but in either case I wanted to stick to the theme." Putin, for his part, followed with There are those who would use this power to destroy the world. "I thought that one was kind of ominous and dark, but what the hell, you know he's Russian," said Obama. All three leaders' speeches will debut in February and be available on their websites.

Study Proves Estonians Friendly

University of California at Berkeley scientist Ron Chalfant (left) has proven Estonians are indeed friendly. "That whole withdrawn thing is an act," says Chalfant, who recently published the results of his experiments in the academic journal International Stoic.
Chalfant's work centered around former Soviet peoples' rigid adherence to assigned seating. "My idea was to put a leper in an advanced stage of the disease in a not-so-good seat in a movie theatre and then assign an Estonian the seat right next to him. In an otherwise empty theatre, would the Estonian choose another seat?" The Estonians, in fact, insisted on sitting next to the leper, even in cases where the leper's skin would fall off as Dolby Surround Sound shook the theatre. Chalfant then repeated his leper/Estonian experiment in other venues such as empty buses and trains. "In all cases, the Estonians insist on sitting next to the leper," said Chalfant.
Chalfant's peers argued that the experiments proved only that Estonians are lovers of silly rules, but Chalfant dismisses those concerns noting that in stage two of his experiment when the leper struck up a conversation, Estonians participated. "What did the leper say to the prostitute?" was one of the conversation starters offered by the lepers in the movie theatres. "The answer is," said Chalfant, "'Keep the tip!' Pretty funny, huh? But it's still science!" Dr. Chalfant will join Tartu University as a guest faculty member in the spring.

Smigun Takes Early Lead in Portrait Photography

Unlike Kristina Smigun, Karel Tammjärv doesn't have sponsors which make an attractive portrait possible. "My buddy Aivar took it," he said referring to his teammate Aivar Rehemaa. "And I took his. Maybe we look more or less alike because we used the same camera. Or maybe we just look more or less alike. That's what my mom says, anyway, not that you asked for this long of an explanation or anything."
Kristina Smigun, however, former multiple Olympic Gold winner, is sponsored by Rakvere Meat Factory and skis in the name of link sausage. This year she will ski with one four-inch blood sausage hanging out a hole cut in the rear of her pants. "Yes, I know what it looks like," she said when reached via telephone, "but it really does get noticed and it sells a lot of sausage and that's why I'm able to have the quality of Olympic portrait I have when my teammates have ones taken by Aivar." After pausing to visibly consume an A. le Coq energy drink in front of a Norwegian television camera, Smigun added, "No offense meant, Aivar."
The Estonian team arrived in Vancouver yesterday for the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games. Read the Livonian Chronicle for in-depth and exclusive coverage of Balts at the Vancouver Olympics.
Smigun (above left) was able to afford Sears Portrait Studios quality, while Tammjärv and Rehemaa took their photos with a borrowed one-megapixel Sony.

Ansip Resigns Post to Captain Solaris

"I always knew he was different than other children," said Vesta Ansip, in a 1994 interview about her son, then Tartu Mayor Andrus Ansip. "He was of course physically different, but he also didn't like to play with other children. He wanted to stay inside and plot vectors, ponder equations about weight versus mass, and build small-scale nuclear engines to power the riding lawnmower he built for his father. It was the only riding lawn mower in the entire Soviet Union." Vesta Ansip said her son did take an interest in physical activities, but they centered around "pinching other children's faces in a manner which would make them writhe in pain and toss about on the floor like they were epileptic," a skill later to come in useful for his rise through Estonia's Reform Party.
Early this morning, the Prime Minister held a news conference to announce that as of March 1st he will step aside as PM in order to serve as captain aboard the Solaris Keskus. "Something about the name 'Solaris' I have always found attractive," said Ansip, reading from a prepared statement in order to keep emotion from overcoming him. "It is with a certain amount of sadness I leave parliament, but the opportunity to command a vessel like Solaris comes only once in a lifetime." Fleet representatives were on hand to present Mr. Ansip with his new purple velour uniform and shiny gold captain's bars. A fleet representative who spoke on the condition of anonymity said the fleet rejected Ansip's request to rename Solaris 'the Kirov', but that negotiations were otherwise without obstacle.
Ansip (left) in university days. Today (right) he takes Solaris' helm.