Bank's Advice: Entrepreneurs Must Collude

In an interview with the newspaper "Biznes&Baltija", Andris Miernieks, senior economist at "SEB banka", urges all Latvian entrepreneurs to stop quarreling. "It is the time to stop quarrels and start cooperating," he said. "This can be done through forming clusters or in some other way, like by collusion, by building great big human pyramids, or maybe blindfolding each other and you don’t let the other guy bump into a wall. Cause quarreling gets you nowhere, man,” said Miernieks.
“But, collusion; that's the best method,” he said. “Look at SEB and Swedbank. We've found over time that following each other around in circles is a cost effective way to feign the competence we lack.” Miernieks explained that the bank hires people lacking initiative, and has them follow whatever is being done over at Swedbank. "And Swedbank does the same!" he said cheerily. “See, if other banks are doing the same thing you do, then business people will think whatever it is you’re doing you’re supposed to be doing, cause like the other guy's doing it too, you know? We call it the lemming strategy. It's simple, it's cheap, and it’s worked for us for years," he said. "Well, at least it did until recently."

SEB and Swedbank decrease staff

In 2009, SEB Estonia decreased its staff by 73 employees writes Postimees Online. “Most of the fall in staff numbers comes from not replacing those who have left,” said the communications director of SEB Estonia Tiit Vohandu. Swedbank, on the other hand, has lost 9000 employees. Swedbank press spokesman Juhan Siilimagi said “I want to say that this wholesale exodus of our entire Baltic staff did not happen because Swedbank is a ‘rotten awful place to work with an inexperienced and brain dead local management team who have been neutered by the Swedes because they have proven unable to manage their way out of a wet paper bag without the guidance of someone who has the unfettered use of a cerebral cortex,” he said, referring to a joint letter signed by 8,920 of the 9000 departing employees.
It’s also not because ‘the bank has taken leave of its senses and turned on its good customers to cannibalize their businesses with punitive fees in a desperate effort of the bank to survive,’” he said in reference to a joint letter signed by 50 of the bank’s largest corporate customers. “And I believe it has nothing to do with the fact that the Swedish government has had to guarantee our corporate debt because we made such a balls up of our Baltic lending business. No,” said Siilimagi, "I think the reason we have lost all our employees is that they are fed up with having to wear those ‘ridiculous orange and blue polyester neckties at work every damn day,’ he said, referring to an email dated today and signed by himself. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said, “I’m leaving. Please close the door behind you on your way out.”

Latvia may be in ‘recession’

In a surprise announcement today, Dienas Bizness (DB) concluded that there are signs of a recession in Latvia. DB cites findings of experts, who surmise that the ‘property bubble’ and ‘excessive spending’ may have had a negative effect on the Latvian economy. As a result, Latvia's gross domestic product decreased more than 23 percent this year, and the economy has fallen to the level of 1937. "This means that Latvia is undergoing what we economists call a ‘recession,’" Teodors Mulkigins, a Swedbank economist explains.
“In a ‘recession,’" he said, "your neighbor loses his job, your driver takes a pay cut, and Swedbank gets your Porsche Cayenne. Then, your driver becomes your gardener, your neighbor becomes your driver, and you get his Cayenne. It has to do with macroeconomics, regression analysis and other big words. But thank goodness it's not a 'depression.'" he said. "Because in a 'depression,' you lose your job, your house, and your other house. You move into your uncle’s barn and become his driver. He has a Moskvich. You eat mostly dirt and pig ears, and eventually vote for Andris Skele, who promises to privatize everything he doesn’t already own. You see the difference?” Mulkigins asked, “in a recession, you don’t have to vote for Skele.”

Bank Robbery

"Latvian and Lithuanian lenders have the highest need for new capital in eastern and central Europe because they rely on collateral that has fallen in value amid house price declines," said Fitch Ratings in a recent e-mailed report. Peteris Stulbins, spokesman for Swedbank agrees. “Most banks re-capitalize by issuing new shares or debt. Because Baltic banks can’t do this, the next best alternatives are usurious interest rates and punitive fees for the banks’ good customers,” he said brightly.
“Times are tough. Good customers must be forced to share the pain felt by their banks,” said Stulbins. “You know, our ludicrous lending policies, talent-free staff, and effective insolvency are beside the point. Because banks are part of the social fabric of this great society,” Stulbins continued. “So it’s our customers’ job to support the bank. These are tough times, and we have to pull together, for the common good of our bank. This is the EU, after all.”

Swedbank: “No Bonus 4 U”

The Scandinavian banking group "Swedbank" decided to pay bonuses for 2009's results only to those bank units that operated profitably, BBN reports. This means that the Baltic subsidiaries will receive nothing. Bo Swenson, Swedbank’s Chief Financial Officer, said “Our Baltic business has not developed exactly according to plan. We’ve lost 55 billion Euros, 85% of our loan portfolio is not performing, and we are the laughing stock of the Baltic banking world. So the board has instituted some radical changes. For example, in Estonia from now on, all managers will wear orange neckties. In Latvia, we have turned over the bank to a guy named Dan, who once read an entire book about finance. He is assisted by an electrician, who can also read. And we've placed the Lithuanian credit committee in detox.” Swenson continued, “We remain committed to our team. We’re proud of them, and of their decision making abilities. This is why all managers are still allowed to select their own ringtones, and the hot lunch choices in our cafeterias remain as challenging as they’ve ever been.”