Bank Robbery

"Latvian and Lithuanian lenders have the highest need for new capital in eastern and central Europe because they rely on collateral that has fallen in value amid house price declines," said Fitch Ratings in a recent e-mailed report. Peteris Stulbins, spokesman for Swedbank agrees. “Most banks re-capitalize by issuing new shares or debt. Because Baltic banks can’t do this, the next best alternatives are usurious interest rates and punitive fees for the banks’ good customers,” he said brightly.
“Times are tough. Good customers must be forced to share the pain felt by their banks,” said Stulbins. “You know, our ludicrous lending policies, talent-free staff, and effective insolvency are beside the point. Because banks are part of the social fabric of this great society,” Stulbins continued. “So it’s our customers’ job to support the bank. These are tough times, and we have to pull together, for the common good of our bank. This is the EU, after all.”

Swedbank: “No Bonus 4 U”

The Scandinavian banking group "Swedbank" decided to pay bonuses for 2009's results only to those bank units that operated profitably, BBN reports. This means that the Baltic subsidiaries will receive nothing. Bo Swenson, Swedbank’s Chief Financial Officer, said “Our Baltic business has not developed exactly according to plan. We’ve lost 55 billion Euros, 85% of our loan portfolio is not performing, and we are the laughing stock of the Baltic banking world. So the board has instituted some radical changes. For example, in Estonia from now on, all managers will wear orange neckties. In Latvia, we have turned over the bank to a guy named Dan, who once read an entire book about finance. He is assisted by an electrician, who can also read. And we've placed the Lithuanian credit committee in detox.” Swenson continued, “We remain committed to our team. We’re proud of them, and of their decision making abilities. This is why all managers are still allowed to select their own ringtones, and the hot lunch choices in our cafeterias remain as challenging as they’ve ever been.”