East European Cheese Determined to be All Same

A recent European Union study has confirmed what Baltic peoples have long wanted to deny: their cheese is all the same. The study, conducted in connection with the McKinsey consulting group, reveals that all cheese manufactured in Eastern Europe is "uniformly yellow with a taste which does not differ from one varietal to another." "There is no 'variety' in 'varietal,'" the study concluded.
"This is simply not true," said Lithuania's Maxima supermarket chain director Mikas Fetaloticius at a press conference held behind his store's cheese counter. "As anyone can see, the cheese on my left is a light yellow, while the cheese on my right is one pantone degree darker. The cheese in the middle," noted Fetaloticius, "has holes so it is therefore Swiss." Maxima's parent company, VP Market, has vowed to finance its own study which will "prove conclusively the sophistication and subtleties of the Eastern European cheese."
The misunderstood cheese: Eastern European cheese (left) has long only been appreciated by the elite few.

Estonia Rewards Olympic Victors

Estonia's Silver Medal winner Kristina Šmigun-Vähi will receive a plot of land in Haabersti and 1.1 million Estonian kroons--approximately 95,000 USD--from the state for her victory in the women's ten-kilometer cross country freestyle skiing event. Her trainer/father will receive 550,000 kroons. Šmigun-Vähi's teammate Tatjana Mannima who finished 58th, will receive a month's supply of free sausages from the Rakvere Meat Factory, Šmigun-Vähi's principal sponsor. "Tanya and I are like sisters," Šmigun-Vähi told CNN, "and so I felt bad for her getting nothing. So I decided to organize some sausage."
Other Estonians who participated in the event but did not finish in top 78 will receive, according to a government press release, "jackshit."
Šmigun-Vähi (left) and teammate Mannima (right) share a love of sausage.

Estonian Olympic Attendees Honored with Statues

Such is the reverence for Olympics in this small northern country. While in other countries, Olympic victories are greeted with temporary enthusiasm, Estonia bestows permanent honors on those who even attend the Olympics as spectators. The Estonian state has asked anyone who possesses an Olympic Games entrance day pass to contact it so that sculptor Tauno Kangro may begin creating a likeness of that individual. If the day pass is unavailable, the state will accept any restaurant receipt from Canada dated during or around the Olympic festival.
"There aren't many more than a million people worldwide who call themselves Estonian," said the state's Olympic Sculpture Committee chairman Karl Kivi. "So if we make some statues of some of them and scatter them around the country, then it'll appear we have more citizens and we'll get more respect." Several years ago the Estonian state attempted to encourage births of Estonian children by making it financially attractive to mothers, but the program failed. "The Estonian population is still on the decline," said Kivi. "This program is a sure fix." Kivi noted that each statue would have the right to vote as long as it voted Centre Party.
This way to the Olympic Village (above): a statue points the way.

Russia Claims Olympics' Final Gold Medal

"I took big breath, closed my eyes tight and thought of Mother Russia." This is how Victor Brinov, Captain of Russia's Gold Medal winning men's synchronized swimming team described the long moments he spent under water in the frigid environment of Whistler's Ice Water Dome. "Yes it was little cold," he admitted, "But not cold like Novosibirsk."
The last competition of the Vancouver Winter Olympics was also the newest demonstration sport: Men's Synchronized Swimming. Foregoing the comforting heated pools of women's synchronized swimming, the men's competition is held in freezing temperatures. Some say it is the ultimate macho sport. And the Russian men won it walking away. Stung by recent revelations that Russia had lost badly to an all gay Canadian hockey team, Russia's Izvestia trumpeted the swimming result. "Russia have (sic) proven their athletic superiority over Canada. Is historic victory for all Russia," quipped Brinov in an interview with Izvestia news yesterday.
Canada took silver in the event, silencing critics who labeled them as warm water mama's boys. The French team seemed destined for bronze, but were disqualified for refusing to enter the water for their second of two required performances. "The Russians are not athletic. Their secret warmth is found at the bottom of a vodka bottle." accused the French captain Jean-Jacques Esprit as he shivered at poolside in his bathrobe and slippers.
Photo: Russian swimmer Victor Brinov and comrades share a light hearted moment after their gold medal winning performance.

Insult to Injury: Russia Beaten by All-gay Canadian Team

For a proud Russian it's not easy to lose to Canada. It's even harder to handle when the team that beats you is all gay. In a surprise announcement yesterday, Canada's Olympic Committee head Marcel Aubut, disclosed that the hockey team who had handed a 7-3 loss to Russia was, in fact, all gay: "We didn't want to release the information sooner, because we know the Slavic mentality about these things, but Russia was beaten by an all-gay team." Aubut, a former gay hockey player himself, said he wanted to avoid taunting of his players by the Russian team. "Some of the greatest warriors in ancient Greece were gay," said Aubut, "but you know how Russia is--they just black out or change whatever part of history they don't want to hear about." Canada has long recognized the importance of gay teams and started a tolerance program in secondary schools featuring the slogan, We're gay, We skate, Get used to it! "What Russia doesn't realize," said Aubut, "is that gays have handed them most of their hockey losses throughout history. 1980, the Americans. All gay."
The Kremlin did not respond to requests for interviews in connection to this article.
Above left: The Canadian hockey team practices nude. Coaches say it builds esprit de corps. At right, "checking" has always been hockey code for anal sex.

Lukashenko to Take Over Russia's Olympic Program

Smarting after only three Gold medals in Vancouver and a 7-3 hockey loss to Canada, Russia's President Dmitri Medvedev is changing horses to prepare for Sochi 2014. Those who failed Russia "must have the courage to resign," said Medvedev. "If they do not have this resolve, we will help them."
Replacing Russia's Olympic Committee will be a one-man committee headed by Belarus' dictator Aleksandr Lukashenko. "Mr. Lukashenko's commitment to athletics is beyond question," said Medvedev, referencing the Belarussian dictator's practice of training daily with his country's hockey team. "Now, Mr. Lukashenko will train with all Russian athletes in all sports."
Lukashenko, known in the slavic world as "L-Daddy," has a reputation for quick decisions and fast results. In his own country of Belarus, he is famous for the No Child Left Behind Hockey Program, which offers steroidal supplements to athletic diets in children from age seven. He is also known for cutting off electricity, gas, and water to the housing blocks of losing athletes in order to create peer pressure to perform. "Mr. Lukashenko's way of working is the old Russian way of working," said Medvedev. "We count on him to bring back the old glory of Russia."
Lukashenko (in uniform at left) will personally prepare Russia's athletes for 2014.

Estonian Indifferent to Chile's Plight

"Earthquake schmerthquake," remarked Estonian Robert Raputav, when approached by the Gallup organization and asked for comment on Chile. "Will this affect the price of wine?" Despite record column-inch coverage in the New York Times and other international newspapers, Chile's earthquake has passed virtually unnoticed in this bucolic nation of 1.4 million. "Chile?" remarked a member of Estonia's parliament who insisted on anonymity. "Where was Chile when the Estonia sank? What kind of coverage did they give us then?"
Local papers focused mainly on the possible bankruptcy of a seat-belt manufacturer and the marriage of a local singing sensation into a family of reptiles who are known for owning their own Robinson helicopter.
Robert Raputav (left) says he will have no problem switching to other South American wines.