Bank's Advice: Entrepreneurs Must Collude

In an interview with the newspaper "Biznes&Baltija", Andris Miernieks, senior economist at "SEB banka", urges all Latvian entrepreneurs to stop quarreling. "It is the time to stop quarrels and start cooperating," he said. "This can be done through forming clusters or in some other way, like by collusion, by building great big human pyramids, or maybe blindfolding each other and you don’t let the other guy bump into a wall. Cause quarreling gets you nowhere, man,” said Miernieks.
“But, collusion; that's the best method,” he said. “Look at SEB and Swedbank. We've found over time that following each other around in circles is a cost effective way to feign the competence we lack.” Miernieks explained that the bank hires people lacking initiative, and has them follow whatever is being done over at Swedbank. "And Swedbank does the same!" he said cheerily. “See, if other banks are doing the same thing you do, then business people will think whatever it is you’re doing you’re supposed to be doing, cause like the other guy's doing it too, you know? We call it the lemming strategy. It's simple, it's cheap, and it’s worked for us for years," he said. "Well, at least it did until recently."

Lithuanian Parliament Warms to Homosexuals

The Lithuanian parliament, in a 58-4 vote, approved amendments to legislation which had sparked criticism from gay rights groups when it was passed in July. The law bars the "public dissemination" of information favorable to homosexuality, claiming it could harm the mental health of minors. The legislation also covered foul language and bad eating habits. The amendments allow advertising on behalf of fashion designers, curtain manufacturers, and 'anyone speaking with an audible lisp,' but stopped short of allowing men who carry purses or tiny rat dogs to publicly express their beliefs, whatever those might be.
Over a lunch of cepelini in rendered fat, with chicken jello and vodka, the MP who authored the original bill, Alvirdas Sigonvicius said, "We are modern Europeans, but homosexuality, foul language, and bad eating habits are destroying our society." Asked if better education and paying closer attention to mother at the dinner table might assuage these problems, he said through a mouthful of food, "No, goddamn it! We've modeled our law on the most forward thinking legislation being carried out internationally, such as in Uganda. They don't like faggots neither," and blew his nose in the linen napkin.

Tiger Woods to Relocate to Estonia

Tiger Woods, the American golf celebrity surrounded in scandal, has announced he will relocate to Estonia. "I want to live in a place where I can walk into a restaurant and the shitty service I get has nothing to do with who I am," the Wall Street Journal quoted Woods. Woods' publicist said the golfer would move to Estonia as early as February, provided the country's immigration authority would issue a residence permit to a black man who is half Thai.
With this move, Woods will join a host of other celebrities living incognito in the northern European country, including Paris Hilton, Madonna, and Canadian John Candy.

Russia's New Year's Invasion

Last year at this time, 10,000 Russian tourists were awaited in Estonia. 15,000 showed up. "Isn't that just like the Russians?" said Feliks Fubar, director of Estonia's 2009/2010 Just Visiting campaign to attract Russian tourists. "You invite one, he brings three friends."
Fubar says his group's slogan is "based on that joke where a Russian tourist entering Estonia leaves a line blank on his entry form and the Estonian border guard asks him 'Occupation?' The Russian replies 'No, just visiting.' We decided to build a campaign on that."
Fubar has received praise internationally for his bold slogan. In addition to winning a Gold Lion at the Cannes Advertising Awards competition, the Kremlin has also praised the Estonians. "Finally, Estonia stopped taking themselves so seriously with that ironic 'Welcome' slogan," said Vladimir Rasribetrov, the Kremlin's communications liaison, "and Russians feel once again at home in Estonia." Rasribetrov said Russians were especially eager to spit sunflower seeds on the cobblestone sidewalks of Tallinn's Old Town and blow their noses in napkins and tablecloths of the city's fine restaurants.

Americans Survive Thanks to Balts

In a nation where everyone's a hero, everyone is also a survivor. According to American newspapers, those who endured heavy snows and loss of electricity in the American state of Rhode Island survived thanks to Estonia and Latvia. In order to cope with the heavy snowfall, the United Nations quickly dispatched Estonian and Latvian military troops to America's east coast.
"This has all been one big geography lesson for me," said survivor Twila Tuttweiler of Providence, Rhode Island. "Did you know there's a country which is the same size as our state?" Estonian Private First Class Jüri Öö showed Tuttweiler which end of the shovel should touch the snow and allowed her to fire his Galil ARM 5.56mm assault rifle into the air, while Latvian troops taught Rhode Islanders the basics of their national sport, Buzkashi.

Pope Performs In Front of Thousands

On December 24, 25, 26 and 27, nothing interesting happened in the Baltic states. As a result, as this paper has done for over 300 years, the Livonian Chronicle reports holiday news from the Vatican.
EWTN, The Global Catholic Network, reports that on 24 December, while entering St. Peter's Basilica to celebrate the christmas vigil Mass, the Pope was attacked by a 25 year old Swiss-Italian woman. After a brief interlude on the ground with the woman, the Pope got back onto his feet, to the cheers of the thousands who had gathered in the basilica. The Pope gave no direct comment on the incident, but during his Midnight Mass homily, he spoke, hands raised above his head in victory, and said "today's events prove that God hears the prayers of old men." A spokesman for the Vatican denies rumors that the Pontiff has since taken up smoking.

Santa Wounded in Rescue Effort

An angry and bitter Santa Claus was rescued by NATO quick-response forces in the early hours of Christmas Eve, when troops stormed the kitchen of the Lido restaurant and extracted Claus by force. Shots were fired, and several Lido dishwashers suffered wounds. The kidnappers fled on foot, leaving Santa Claus dazed and blinded from a head wound inflicted by an errant gas grenade.
"I can't see a goddamned thing," Claus said as he was taken from the restaurant in a stretcher, "and I can tell you if I have anything to say no single Latvian child will receive gifts this year." Claus vowed never to return to Latvia and suggested the "goddamned IMF" handle any gift giving in Latvia since they, in Claus' words, "seemed to have buggered the whole thing anyway."
Film footage recorded from international press helicopters showed Latvian police hot on the kidnappers' trail, until they were enticed to enter an Old Town strip club. "They've had a long day," said a spokesman for the city. "It's time to relax and take up the chase another day."