French Assume Defense of Baltic Air Space

The German Air Force handed over defense of Baltic air space to the French Air Force on Monday. "We will use four Mirage 2000 jets to patrol the skies," said French General Antoine la Bitte, "at least until we can get a contract to sell them to the Russians." La Bitte said that talks were underway with Estonian Air to lease their Cessna 150s the airline uses to service its Tallinn-Stockholm and Tallinn-Helsinki routes. "These planes are used only once a day and only half filled with passengers," said la Bitte. "Us borrowing them for a few patrols in the middle of the day will be noticed by no one." La Bitte bristled at questions concerning the sale of the planes in the wake of a French bid to sell an aircraft carrier to the Russians, remarking, "We see no conflict. We have offered to put the Nord Stream logo on the side of both the planes and the carrier."
To commemorate French control of Baltic airspace, the restaurant aboard Estonia's ferry to the island of Hiiumaa offered a special "Pork Fillet by French" (photo at right).

Grybauskaite Releases LP

Lithuania's President Dalia Grybauskaite was named Lithuania's Person of the Year for 2009, marking the first time a woman has been given the honor. Grybauskaite released her solo album, "Grybauskaite Superbest," in December, which included the hit single, "Katrina Ignalina," and short opera she has written about Latvia, "Something Special." Grybauskaite was the last Baltic president to release an album in 2009, following on the heels of Estonia's President Toomas Hendrik Ilves' duet LP with Tom Jones entitled "Toms." For budgetary reasons, the three Baltic presidents have agreed to form a trio and represent the three nations at this year's Nord Stream AG Eurovision Song Contest. Buy all the Baltic presidents' albums here.

Aurora Cable Access Buys Estonia's Channels 2 and 3

Wayne Campbell, CEO of Aurora Cable Access Television (pictured left), said yesterday he had finalized a deal with Estonia's channels 2 and 3 and would assume immediate control. "For at least the next twelve months, Estonians will be treated to non-stop broadcasts of 'Wayne's World', including the movies Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. It's the exact quality of programming these channels have proven time and time again that they wish to have." Campbell noted that a few episodes of "Wayne's Power Minute" would also run. Aurora Cable's head of programming, Garth Algar, will immediately take over as CEO of Channel 2, while Mr. Algar's father, Beev, will assume the same position at Channel 3.
"Although we are firing everyone currently employed at those channels, we are still interested in what the current executives think," said Wayne Campbell, adding his trademark "Not!" after a short pause. He noted that all "babes" working at the channels would undergo interviews and any "babia majoras" or "Babraham Lincolns" would be guaranteed jobs.

Savisaar: Snowfall Truly an Achievement

Weather stations in Tallinn reported 62 centimeters of snow over the holiday, besting the city's 1968 record by three centimeters. "This is truly an achievement," said Tallinn Mayor Edgar Savisaar, "and it shows what Tallinners can accomplish when supported by the right political leadership." Savisaar noted that the 1968 snowfall was also not a coincidence but rather "the result of government which is in many ways remarkably similar to our Tallinn city government in 2010."
On Toompea in the halls of parliament, members of Andrus Ansip's government did not long celebrate the record but quickly mobilized staff to send out press releases to western media. "This snowfall is an accomplishment to be proud of," said Prime Minister Ansip, "and it's another reason people will come from all over the world to learn from Estonians."

Latvia Closed for 2010

In the final hours of 2009, multiple caravans of 40-year-old, Hungarian-made Icarus buses crossed Latvia's borders at all points. "Latvia is finally closed for business," said Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis. "Except for a few representatives of G4S and their German Shepherds, we have evacuated the country." Dombrovskis said he hoped the country would have funds to reopen as soon as 2011 or 2012.
Homeless shelters in Vilnius, Tallinn, and Navapolatsk (Belarus) quickly filled with hungry Latvians. "We will do whatever we can for our Latvian brothers," said Belarusian President Aleksandr Lukashenko in a televised address to Belarusian citizens. "I say to you, my countrymen, rejoice! Let us embrace our Latvian brothers for they are the needed labor for our night crawler farms and onion fields. Let them not go pluck turkeys in foreign lands."
Estonian President Toomas Hendrik Ilves also welcomed Latvians in his New Year's address. Ilves, however, expressed doubts that Latvian labor might be able to help Estonia cope with its century-record snowfall. "Latvia," the president said, "is a nation of Soviet stick-brooms while E-stonia has embraced the Fiskars graphite-shafted shovel." An EU-funded campaign is underway to help Latvian refugees cope with life abroad, the first installment an effort to demonstrate that while outside their country Latvians no longer need to boil tap water before drinking.

Putin, Medvedev Vacation in Latvia

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and President Dmitri Medvedev spent yesterday skiing at Sigulda, Latvia's bobsled and ski resort. In an attempt to demonstrate a harmonious relationship, the two wore matching ski outfits, including red knit hats. Putin's gloves, however, were white, while Medvedev chose to wear black. "It's because I'm good and he's evil," said Putin to a reporter who asked for an explanation. "But actually," answered Medvedev, "he wears black underwear and I wear white underwear." "I wear no underwear at all," rejoined Putin. "Just ask your wife." Medvedev then chuckled loudly while Mr. Putin dug a tin of chewing tobacco out of his pocket and offered a pinch to the president.
Both the president and prime minister praised the skiing conditions in Latvia. Before returning to the Kremlin the leaders were scheduled to tour the district of Jurmala which Mr. Putin is rumored to have recently purchased. Mr. Medvedev bought Rigas Balsams and Stenders soap (the companies) as gifts for his wife. Mr. Medvedev said he would spend Russian Orthodox Christmas (January 7) in Tallinn at an Old Town hotel which he has also purchased for his wife.

Estonian Man Accused of Helping with Dishes After Holiday Meal

If convicted Martin Muna will spend the rest of his life in prison. After a Christmas meal of blood sausage and head cheese, Martin found himself in the kitchen washing and drying dishes. "I don't know what came over me," he said after being taken into custody by members of KaPo (Estonia's FBI) who were patrolling the streets and looking through kitchen windows for offenders just such as Martin. "I know that as an Estonian male I have no obligations whatsoever in the kitchen, but I just felt like doing something nice." More than "no obligations whatsoever," an Estonian male is actually forbidden by paragraph 37-9 of the Estonian constitution from "lingering or loitering near a food preparation surface for more than five minutes in any 24-hour period."
"The evidence against Muna is quite strong, and I believe we'll have no problem getting a conviction," said Estonian State Prosecutor Peeter Pisipeni. "Muna is just lucky he won't swing from the end of a rope," Pisipeni said, referring to pre-EU mandatory sentencing requirements. Prior to EU entry, use of deodorant, drinking water with meals, and failure to smoke at least one pack of Rumba cigarettes per day were offenses punishable by death.