Naughty Knickers Suffer Blow

The city of Tallinn, struggling to make up a gap in its seven billion kroon budget for 2010, will institute a host of new taxes next year. In addition to its existing 20% VAT, it will add sales tax, a boat tax, a pet tax, plus a 800% tax on Latvian chocolate. "We will no longer tolerate the fact that Laima makes a chocolate bar called Tallinn which sells in our stores for far less than our own Kalev chocolate," said city spokesman Jarko Järepea. "We will no longer tolerate that Latvian chocolate is sold on our very own Tallink boats while Estonian chocolate is not." In another slap against the Latvians, Järepea said the naughty knickers products of Lauma would be taxed at a similar rate. "Let Estonian women buy their underwear at Kadaka Market," he said, "or let them wear nothing at all."

Latvia's Budget Bingo

Latvia's parliament has passed its 2010 budget with expectations of an LVL 20 million deficit next year. This year's deficit has reached LVL 57 million, though it was originally forecast at LVL 47 million. Several thousand people gathered at the Saeima building yesterday morning to protest, including 5,000 students.
"Fifty-seven million is no big deal," said Saeima spokesman Igors Shostakovich addressing the crowd through a bullhorn. "Just look at the mess the United States is in." Shostakovich suggested that if things really worsened, Latvia could be sold in its entirety to the Chinese. "They're sniffing around here, anyway," he said to calm the crowd. "Think of all we'd get! Cheap cars, cheap clothing, and nobody would ever criticize us again for polluting the crap out of our country." Shostakovich attempted to lead the students in a "the EU is overrated" chant, but the majority of them were distracted by their personal communication devices.

Whiz with Wizz

The Hungarian carrier Wizz Air, which markets itself as the biggest no-frills airline in Central Europe, plans to add routes to Riga. "We are aware that Wizz is slang for urination," said a Wizz spokesman, "so we feel it is especially apropos for us to carry tourists to and from Riga, which is known throughout the industry as the urination destination."
A journalist in the back of the room asked for the meaning of "apropos," and the spokesman conceded she had just learned the word through Dictionary.com's Word of the Day program and had been dying to use it in public.

Live Riga?

Yesterday, nineteen Latvian representatives met with 60 Moscow tourism officials, journalists, and freeloaders after free cocktails and finger foods to launch the Live Riga campaign. The campaign urges Russians to spend their Christmas and New Year's Eve holidays in Riga.
"So is it 'Live Riga' like in 'Don't let it die'?" asked Sergei Matveyev, chief of the Russian tourism delegation. "Or does it mean 'a happening place'? And if that's the case, why isn't it 'Riga Live' or something to do with 'Alive'?" Others wondered whether the campaign should not have been in Russian. "I guess the only thing we can all agree on is that the campaign should have been done earlier," noted Matveyev, stabbing with his toothpick at a plate of tiny hotdogs.

An Estonian in Every Port

The Global Estonian Central Council, whatever that is, estimates that over 35,000 Estonians have moved to Finland over the last several years. Recent census data confirms the decline and estimates Tallinn's population to be approximately 125,000 people, 90 percent of them employed as reisisaatjad with the city government (youth in yellow vests who are paid to stand idly by on public transport--usually chewing gum or listening to iPod tunes). The remaining 10 percent work in other EU-funded capacities, or as staff members at the Global Estonian Central Council. Whatever that is.

US-Lithuanian Agreement on WMDs, Kvass

Lithuanian Foreign Minister Vygaudas Usackas and US Ambassador to Lithuania Anne E. Derse signed a protocol to strengthen cooperation between the two countries. According to the agreement, Vilnius kiosks will no longer be allowed to sell nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons of mass destruction. "The agreement also carefully regulates kvass," noted Ambassador Derse, "and discourages its sale in large tanks on trailers where one dirty glass is shared by everyone in line."

New Taxes?

Tallinn city council chairman Renar Virtsu said that the city government has decided to implement several new local taxes next year to increase the income of the city, Postimees Online reports. “When we compiled the budget, we carefully looked through the income side and since it has contracted, we have to be creative to find new taxes,” Virtsu said. Asked what the new taxes will include, he said, “First, we’re going to tax Latvians. For too long they’ve roamed around Tallinn at no cost.” Virtsu continued, “an Exit Tax is an idea we’ve borrowed from Russia. Tired of Tallinn’s kitsch; ready to go home? Fine, pay up, and you’re free to go.” Next,” said Virtsu, “is the question mark tax. In Tallinn from now on our motto is, ‘ask a question, pay the city.’ This interview has just cost you 380 kroons. Any more questions?” he asked, smiling.