Shock Your Waitress

Shock collars, widely used for training bird dogs, have now found widespread use in the Republic of Estonia. In a new program supported by EU structural funds, half of Estonian waitresses will be outfitted with shock collars. "The other half," says scientist David Roskolnikov, "are control."

Long known as the Capital of Poor Service, where waitresses are slow to think and slower to move, Estonian government has embraced the program and believe it will result in greater long-term tourism revenue. Scientist Roskolnikov and his partners will be analyzing the revenue generated by collar-wearers and non-collar-wearers, hoping the data shows that waitresses working in a state of fear produce significantly more revenue. Roskolnikov, a doctoral student at the University of Moscow, says he tried the project in Latvia but it failed. "The girls immediately chewed through the collars and escaped." Roskolnikov's other worry is criticism from the scientific community about his methodology. He has tried to lay down clear rules for delivery shocks, "but my peers say you can never really control that. It's the 'who will guard the guards' dilemma." The scientist believes he has circumvented the problem by placing a shock switch on every table in each restaurant so that the customers may deliver the shocks themselves. "After all," he notes, "the customer is always right, right?"

Enemas with the Stars

We've danced with the stars. We've sung with the stars. Today, Estonia's channel 3 announced its newest program, Enemas with the Stars. "Dancing and singing certainly brought us closer to our stars," said Anna Alandav, Viasat's regional spokesman. "Now, Estonia's Channel 3 brings the viewer even closer."
The program, which began this week, lets viewers participate first-hand in enemas and rectal exams via modern digital technology. Viewers, voting by SMS messaging via cell phones, instruct the doctor whether to "probe deeper," "remove the polyp," or "crack a fart joke." Home viewers see everything the doctor sees on their television screen via the latest in rectal camera technology, and if a star proves especially arrogant, viewers may instruct the doctor to use a camera tube which has been stored in a freezer.
"Since Estonia is the e-state and since it has more insufferable stars per capita than any other nation on earth, it was only natural to launch this show here," said Alandav. Viasat says after the Estonian pilot, the program will be made available to other Viasat markets. "Stars are gods on earth whose every utterance or bodily discharge we monitor to bring significance to our own meaningless lives," said Alandav. "So who would not want to watch this program?"

Cuddle Parties Reach Baltic

Billed as a way to allow participants to experience non-sexual group intimacy, the cuddle party has finally reached the Baltic. Edgars Lazo, director of the Latvian Cuddle Party Association, organized the first all-Baltic cuddle party which took place at his home in Jurmala this past weekend. "Neighbors thought it was an orgy which is wasn't," stated Lazo in a police report. "Well, it at least wasn't supposed to be."
Witnesses' sworn statements demonstrate that while the guests showed up prepared to simply cuddle, once the physical contact begun they could not control themselves. "All it took was one buy to start bumping and grinding and it was game over," reported one participant. The Latvian police say orgies in Latvia are neither unusual nor illegal and the state lacks grounds for legal action. However, the International Cuddling Association, has begun proceedings to bar Balts from organizing cuddle parties. "Cuddle parties are about cuddling," said certified cuddle party facilitator Linda Jean Borfirst, who was on hand at the Latvian-organized event as the cuddle party lifeguard and later reported the Latvians to the ICA. "Rule one of the cuddle party is that pajamas stay on at all times. Rule 12 is to show up on time," said Borfirst. "Latvians broke these plus rules two through 11." Latvia's next cuddle party, also referred to as a "puppy pile party" or "contact comfort gathering," is scheduled for this Saturday in front of the Freedom Monument, weather permitting.
In Latvia (above), cuddling led to pajamaless penetration. Veterans claim this violates the spirit of cuddling.

Latvian President Sends Love Gram To Lithuanians

Latvian President Valdis Zatlers today held a press conference to congratulate the Lithuanian nation on the 20th anniversary of the restoration of that country's independence, and to call for renewed unity between Latvia and Lithuania, according to Diena. In his address, Zatlers looked back at the events leading to the restoration of Lithuania's independence, and said Lithuania was a leader in the Baltics and an example to other nations in their struggle for freedom.
Then President Zatlers read from a letter he had personally sent to President Grybauskaite of Lithuania: "Dear brothers, Lithuanians! We have achieved much more than we could dream of back in 1990, and yet we have not drifted apart. You are our brothers, and we love you like brothers. And I beg you; whenever you feel depressed or miserable, pay a visit to us in Latvia, and we will show you, dear brothers, what real misery is. And while you’re here, why not enjoy some of our delicious Lido shashliki, and drink our fresh and tasty Latvian Uzavas beer. Have a look at our women, who are so much prettier than your own. Stay in one of our hotels. We have many, and they’re all owned by Norwegians now. And bright and early the next morning, like good brothers should do, you can go right back home. Cause you seem a little Polish to us, and we don’t understand the words coming out from your mouth. Long live Lithuania, long live Latvia!"
Photo: President Grybauskaite (right), celebrates independence with President Zatlers (middle), and her personal secretary Sammy (left).

Latvia Seizes 10,000,000 Contraband Smokes

Latvia's State Revenue Service Customs Control officers seized over 10 million L&M cigarettes with bogus labels in what is the biggest contraband bust so far this year, according to Cas. The cigarettes were discovered in a container in the Riga Commercial Freeport last Thursday. The container originated in China. "This is a windfall for the state revenue service," said Customs Control spokesman Peteris Pipetava.
The State Revenue Service will sell the cigarettes through its network of leather jacketed sales agents in the Riga central market, the train station, and through authorized taxi drivers. Pipetava promises that future deliveries of contraband smokes will be ordered from China directly by the State Revenue Service in order to cut out the middleman. "These actions are sanctioned by Latvia's IMF agreement, which encourages us to raise new channels of revenue. We are now accepting orders for contraband smokes: 10 cartons minimum order, cash payment only." Photo: Peteris Pipetava holds contraband cigarettes.

Estonians Win Oscar for Best News Outfits

Tipp and Täpp, news readers from Estonia's channel 3, are known locally for their his-and-hers color-coordinated news-reading outfits. But now, they're known internationally.
In an effort to expand viewership of the Academy Awards, not only were nominees expanded from five to ten, but additional categories were added, including Best Color-Coordinated Outfits for an Eastern European Station.
"This is truly surprise," said Tipp, watching the ceremony from a satellite television in the Stockmann department store (the awards were not televised in Estonia). "It's an honor, too. Täpp and I have worked very hard to coordinate our outfits." The two may be seen every night wearing mostly primary colors and posing thought-provoking questions on screen to which viewers may respond to via SMS voting such as, "Do you or your relatives fear snow damage to your property?" and "Do you ever search through dumpsters looking for compromising documents about your neighbors?"
Tipp and Täpp co-authored the textbook, Responsible Journalism for Pre-teens, and are at work on a new book about pretexts which enable getting free clothing from local retailers.

35-year-old Estonian Man Still Lives with Mother

"I am never moving out," said 35-year-old Taivo Kroonberg of the 40-square-meter apartment he shares with his mother Hilde. "Even when I marry we're all just going to move in here. Mother does her thing. I do mine." Kroonberg's thing is contemplating the beauty of complex algorithms, which he does in the daytime hours when his mother is away working at R-kiosk to support the two of them. But Hilde doesn't mind.
"Taivo created a wonderful clock on the base-seven number system, and he has computed pi by hand to the two-millionth place to the right of the decimal on the wall over there," said Hilde, directing a journalist's attention to tiny, hand-scrawled digits filling the wall's surface. "Some say he's wasting his life, but those people just don't understand Taivo." She resists criticism that Estonia coddles its men and says this is simply the way of a patriarchal culture.
Hilde says her routine rarely varies. She cooks for Taivo before leaving for work, returns on public transport to cook him lunch, then returns promptly at six p.m. to prepare his dinner. On weekends she does his laundry in a plastic tub in the bathroom and changes the rags used as doormats in the stairwell. "I'm doing it for Taivo, of course," says Hilde. "But I'm also doing it for Estonia. I want to see our country become great."
Hilde Kroonberg (above) says she keeps Taivo "right and regular."