The Livonian Chronicle

Shock Your Waitress

2010-03-27T03:13:00.006-04:00

Shock collars, widely used for training bird dogs, have now found widespread use in the Republic of Estonia. In a new program supported by EU structural funds, half of Estonian waitresses will be outfitted with shock collars. "The other half," says scientist David Roskolnikov, "are control."

Long known as the Capital of Poor Service, where waitresses are slow to think and slower to move, Estonian government has embraced the program and believe it will result in greater long-term tourism revenue. Scientist Roskolnikov and his partners will be analyzing the revenue generated by collar-wearers and non-collar-wearers, hoping the data shows that waitresses working in a state of fear produce significantly more revenue. Roskolnikov, a doctoral student at the University of Moscow, says he tried the project in Latvia but it failed. "The girls immediately chewed through the collars and escaped." Roskolnikov's other worry is criticism from the scientific community about his methodology. He has tried to lay down clear rules for delivery shocks, "but my peers say you can never really control that. It's the 'who will guard the guards' dilemma." The scientist believes he has circumvented the problem by placing a shock switch on every table in each restaurant so that the customers may deliver the shocks themselves. "After all," he notes, "the customer is always right, right?"

Enemas with the Stars

2010-03-16T06:55:00.005-04:00

We've danced with the stars. We've sung with the stars. Today, Estonia's channel 3 announced its newest program, Enemas with the Stars. "Dancing and singing certainly brought us closer to our stars," said Anna Alandav, Viasat's regional spokesman. "Now, Estonia's Channel 3 brings the viewer even closer."
The program, which began this week, lets viewers participate first-hand in enemas and rectal exams via modern digital technology. Viewers, voting by SMS messaging via cell phones, instruct the doctor whether to "probe deeper," "remove the polyp," or "crack a fart joke." Home viewers see everything the doctor sees on their television screen via the latest in rectal camera technology, and if a star proves especially arrogant, viewers may instruct the doctor to use a camera tube which has been stored in a freezer.
"Since Estonia is the e-state and since it has more insufferable stars per capita than any other nation on earth, it was only natural to launch this show here," said Alandav. Viasat says after the Estonian pilot, the program will be made available to other Viasat markets. "Stars are gods on earth whose every utterance or bodily discharge we monitor to bring significance to our own meaningless lives," said Alandav. "So who would not want to watch this program?"

Cuddle Parties Reach Baltic

2010-03-15T04:43:00.005-04:00

Billed as a way to allow participants to experience non-sexual group intimacy, the cuddle party has finally reached the Baltic. Edgars Lazo, director of the Latvian Cuddle Party Association, organized the first all-Baltic cuddle party which took place at his home in Jurmala this past weekend. "Neighbors thought it was an orgy which is wasn't," stated Lazo in a police report. "Well, it at least wasn't supposed to be."
Witnesses' sworn statements demonstrate that while the guests showed up prepared to simply cuddle, once the physical contact begun they could not control themselves. "All it took was one buy to start bumping and grinding and it was game over," reported one participant. The Latvian police say orgies in Latvia are neither unusual nor illegal and the state lacks grounds for legal action. However, the International Cuddling Association, has begun proceedings to bar Balts from organizing cuddle parties. "Cuddle parties are about cuddling," said certified cuddle party facilitator Linda Jean Borfirst, who was on hand at the Latvian-organized event as the cuddle party lifeguard and later reported the Latvians to the ICA. "Rule one of the cuddle party is that pajamas stay on at all times. Rule 12 is to show up on time," said Borfirst. "Latvians broke these plus rules two through 11." Latvia's next cuddle party, also referred to as a "puppy pile party" or "contact comfort gathering," is scheduled for this Saturday in front of the Freedom Monument, weather permitting.
In Latvia (above), cuddling led to pajamaless penetration. Veterans claim this violates the spirit of cuddling.

Latvian President Sends Love Gram To Lithuanians

2010-03-12T11:46:00.006-05:00

Latvian President Valdis Zatlers today held a press conference to congratulate the Lithuanian nation on the 20th anniversary of the restoration of that country's independence, and to call for renewed unity between Latvia and Lithuania, according to Diena. In his address, Zatlers looked back at the events leading to the restoration of Lithuania's independence, and said Lithuania was a leader in the Baltics and an example to other nations in their struggle for freedom.
Then President Zatlers read from a letter he had personally sent to President Grybauskaite of Lithuania: "Dear brothers, Lithuanians! We have achieved much more than we could dream of back in 1990, and yet we have not drifted apart. You are our brothers, and we love you like brothers. And I beg you; whenever you feel depressed or miserable, pay a visit to us in Latvia, and we will show you, dear brothers, what real misery is. And while you’re here, why not enjoy some of our delicious Lido shashliki, and drink our fresh and tasty Latvian Uzavas beer. Have a look at our women, who are so much prettier than your own. Stay in one of our hotels. We have many, and they’re all owned by Norwegians now. And bright and early the next morning, like good brothers should do, you can go right back home. Cause you seem a little Polish to us, and we don’t understand the words coming out from your mouth. Long live Lithuania, long live Latvia!"
Photo: President Grybauskaite (right), celebrates independence with President Zatlers (middle), and her personal secretary Sammy (left).

Latvia Seizes 10,000,000 Contraband Smokes

2010-03-09T05:25:00.011-05:00

Latvia's State Revenue Service Customs Control officers seized over 10 million L&M cigarettes with bogus labels in what is the biggest contraband bust so far this year, according to Cas. The cigarettes were discovered in a container in the Riga Commercial Freeport last Thursday. The container originated in China. "This is a windfall for the state revenue service," said Customs Control spokesman Peteris Pipetava.
The State Revenue Service will sell the cigarettes through its network of leather jacketed sales agents in the Riga central market, the train station, and through authorized taxi drivers. Pipetava promises that future deliveries of contraband smokes will be ordered from China directly by the State Revenue Service in order to cut out the middleman. "These actions are sanctioned by Latvia's IMF agreement, which encourages us to raise new channels of revenue. We are now accepting orders for contraband smokes: 10 cartons minimum order, cash payment only." Photo: Peteris Pipetava holds contraband cigarettes.

Estonians Win Oscar for Best News Outfits

2010-03-08T01:32:00.004-05:00

Tipp and Täpp, news readers from Estonia's channel 3, are known locally for their his-and-hers color-coordinated news-reading outfits. But now, they're known internationally.
In an effort to expand viewership of the Academy Awards, not only were nominees expanded from five to ten, but additional categories were added, including Best Color-Coordinated Outfits for an Eastern European Station.
"This is truly surprise," said Tipp, watching the ceremony from a satellite television in the Stockmann department store (the awards were not televised in Estonia). "It's an honor, too. Täpp and I have worked very hard to coordinate our outfits." The two may be seen every night wearing mostly primary colors and posing thought-provoking questions on screen to which viewers may respond to via SMS voting such as, "Do you or your relatives fear snow damage to your property?" and "Do you ever search through dumpsters looking for compromising documents about your neighbors?"
Tipp and Täpp co-authored the textbook, Responsible Journalism for Pre-teens, and are at work on a new book about pretexts which enable getting free clothing from local retailers.

35-year-old Estonian Man Still Lives with Mother

2010-03-05T01:23:00.005-05:00

"I am never moving out," said 35-year-old Taivo Kroonberg of the 40-square-meter apartment he shares with his mother Hilde. "Even when I marry we're all just going to move in here. Mother does her thing. I do mine." Kroonberg's thing is contemplating the beauty of complex algorithms, which he does in the daytime hours when his mother is away working at R-kiosk to support the two of them. But Hilde doesn't mind.
"Taivo created a wonderful clock on the base-seven number system, and he has computed pi by hand to the two-millionth place to the right of the decimal on the wall over there," said Hilde, directing a journalist's attention to tiny, hand-scrawled digits filling the wall's surface. "Some say he's wasting his life, but those people just don't understand Taivo." She resists criticism that Estonia coddles its men and says this is simply the way of a patriarchal culture.
Hilde says her routine rarely varies. She cooks for Taivo before leaving for work, returns on public transport to cook him lunch, then returns promptly at six p.m. to prepare his dinner. On weekends she does his laundry in a plastic tub in the bathroom and changes the rags used as doormats in the stairwell. "I'm doing it for Taivo, of course," says Hilde. "But I'm also doing it for Estonia. I want to see our country become great."
Hilde Kroonberg (above) says she keeps Taivo "right and regular."

East European Cheese Determined to be All Same

2010-03-05T00:55:00.005-05:00

A recent European Union study has confirmed what Baltic peoples have long wanted to deny: their cheese is all the same. The study, conducted in connection with the McKinsey consulting group, reveals that all cheese manufactured in Eastern Europe is "uniformly yellow with a taste which does not differ from one varietal to another." "There is no 'variety' in 'varietal,'" the study concluded.
"This is simply not true," said Lithuania's Maxima supermarket chain director Mikas Fetaloticius at a press conference held behind his store's cheese counter. "As anyone can see, the cheese on my left is a light yellow, while the cheese on my right is one pantone degree darker. The cheese in the middle," noted Fetaloticius, "has holes so it is therefore Swiss." Maxima's parent company, VP Market, has vowed to finance its own study which will "prove conclusively the sophistication and subtleties of the Eastern European cheese."
The misunderstood cheese: Eastern European cheese (left) has long only been appreciated by the elite few.

Estonia Rewards Olympic Victors

2010-03-03T07:19:00.008-05:00

Estonia's Silver Medal winner Kristina Šmigun-Vähi will receive a plot of land in Haabersti and 1.1 million Estonian kroons--approximately 95,000 USD--from the state for her victory in the women's ten-kilometer cross country freestyle skiing event. Her trainer/father will receive 550,000 kroons. Šmigun-Vähi's teammate Tatjana Mannima who finished 58th, will receive a month's supply of free sausages from the Rakvere Meat Factory, Šmigun-Vähi's principal sponsor. "Tanya and I are like sisters," Šmigun-Vähi told CNN, "and so I felt bad for her getting nothing. So I decided to organize some sausage."
Other Estonians who participated in the event but did not finish in top 78 will receive, according to a government press release, "jackshit."
Šmigun-Vähi (left) and teammate Mannima (right) share a love of sausage.

Estonian Olympic Attendees Honored with Statues

2010-03-03T01:11:00.004-05:00

Such is the reverence for Olympics in this small northern country. While in other countries, Olympic victories are greeted with temporary enthusiasm, Estonia bestows permanent honors on those who even attend the Olympics as spectators. The Estonian state has asked anyone who possesses an Olympic Games entrance day pass to contact it so that sculptor Tauno Kangro may begin creating a likeness of that individual. If the day pass is unavailable, the state will accept any restaurant receipt from Canada dated during or around the Olympic festival.
"There aren't many more than a million people worldwide who call themselves Estonian," said the state's Olympic Sculpture Committee chairman Karl Kivi. "So if we make some statues of some of them and scatter them around the country, then it'll appear we have more citizens and we'll get more respect." Several years ago the Estonian state attempted to encourage births of Estonian children by making it financially attractive to mothers, but the program failed. "The Estonian population is still on the decline," said Kivi. "This program is a sure fix." Kivi noted that each statue would have the right to vote as long as it voted Centre Party.
This way to the Olympic Village (above): a statue points the way.

Russia Claims Olympics' Final Gold Medal

2010-03-02T03:49:00.007-05:00

"I took big breath, closed my eyes tight and thought of Mother Russia." This is how Victor Brinov, Captain of Russia's Gold Medal winning men's synchronized swimming team described the long moments he spent under water in the frigid environment of Whistler's Ice Water Dome. "Yes it was little cold," he admitted, "But not cold like Novosibirsk."
The last competition of the Vancouver Winter Olympics was also the newest demonstration sport: Men's Synchronized Swimming. Foregoing the comforting heated pools of women's synchronized swimming, the men's competition is held in freezing temperatures. Some say it is the ultimate macho sport. And the Russian men won it walking away. Stung by recent revelations that Russia had lost badly to an all gay Canadian hockey team, Russia's Izvestia trumpeted the swimming result. "Russia have (sic) proven their athletic superiority over Canada. Is historic victory for all Russia," quipped Brinov in an interview with Izvestia news yesterday.
Canada took silver in the event, silencing critics who labeled them as warm water mama's boys. The French team seemed destined for bronze, but were disqualified for refusing to enter the water for their second of two required performances. "The Russians are not athletic. Their secret warmth is found at the bottom of a vodka bottle." accused the French captain Jean-Jacques Esprit as he shivered at poolside in his bathrobe and slippers.
Photo: Russian swimmer Victor Brinov and comrades share a light hearted moment after their gold medal winning performance.

Insult to Injury: Russia Beaten by All-gay Canadian Team

2010-03-02T00:52:00.004-05:00

For a proud Russian it's not easy to lose to Canada. It's even harder to handle when the team that beats you is all gay. In a surprise announcement yesterday, Canada's Olympic Committee head Marcel Aubut, disclosed that the hockey team who had handed a 7-3 loss to Russia was, in fact, all gay: "We didn't want to release the information sooner, because we know the Slavic mentality about these things, but Russia was beaten by an all-gay team." Aubut, a former gay hockey player himself, said he wanted to avoid taunting of his players by the Russian team. "Some of the greatest warriors in ancient Greece were gay," said Aubut, "but you know how Russia is--they just black out or change whatever part of history they don't want to hear about." Canada has long recognized the importance of gay teams and started a tolerance program in secondary schools featuring the slogan, We're gay, We skate, Get used to it! "What Russia doesn't realize," said Aubut, "is that gays have handed them most of their hockey losses throughout history. 1980, the Americans. All gay."
The Kremlin did not respond to requests for interviews in connection to this article.
Above left: The Canadian hockey team practices nude. Coaches say it builds esprit de corps. At right, "checking" has always been hockey code for anal sex.

Lukashenko to Take Over Russia's Olympic Program

2010-03-02T00:29:00.007-05:00

Smarting after only three Gold medals in Vancouver and a 7-3 hockey loss to Canada, Russia's President Dmitri Medvedev is changing horses to prepare for Sochi 2014. Those who failed Russia "must have the courage to resign," said Medvedev. "If they do not have this resolve, we will help them."
Replacing Russia's Olympic Committee will be a one-man committee headed by Belarus' dictator Aleksandr Lukashenko. "Mr. Lukashenko's commitment to athletics is beyond question," said Medvedev, referencing the Belarussian dictator's practice of training daily with his country's hockey team. "Now, Mr. Lukashenko will train with all Russian athletes in all sports."
Lukashenko, known in the slavic world as "L-Daddy," has a reputation for quick decisions and fast results. In his own country of Belarus, he is famous for the No Child Left Behind Hockey Program, which offers steroidal supplements to athletic diets in children from age seven. He is also known for cutting off electricity, gas, and water to the housing blocks of losing athletes in order to create peer pressure to perform. "Mr. Lukashenko's way of working is the old Russian way of working," said Medvedev. "We count on him to bring back the old glory of Russia."
Lukashenko (in uniform at left) will personally prepare Russia's athletes for 2014.

Estonian Indifferent to Chile's Plight

2010-03-01T11:06:00.004-05:00

"Earthquake schmerthquake," remarked Estonian Robert Raputav, when approached by the Gallup organization and asked for comment on Chile. "Will this affect the price of wine?" Despite record column-inch coverage in the New York Times and other international newspapers, Chile's earthquake has passed virtually unnoticed in this bucolic nation of 1.4 million. "Chile?" remarked a member of Estonia's parliament who insisted on anonymity. "Where was Chile when the Estonia sank? What kind of coverage did they give us then?"
Local papers focused mainly on the possible bankruptcy of a seat-belt manufacturer and the marriage of a local singing sensation into a family of reptiles who are known for owning their own Robinson helicopter.
Robert Raputav (left) says he will have no problem switching to other South American wines.

Lithuania Medals!

2010-03-01T02:57:00.003-05:00

Under pressure in the face of other Baltic medal wins (Estonia a Silver, Latvia two Silvers), Lithuanian athletes came through for their homeland. In the final event held during the closing ceremonies, Lithuanian chainsaw ice sculptor Karla Karvelotiene cut her way to a Bronze. Sawing swiftly against other athletes from countries such as Belarus, Sweden, and the darkhorse Somalia, Karvelotiene cut a life-sized image of a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman. "I really wanted to tug on the judges heart strings," she said. But the athlete was in for quite a surprise when every other prop at the closing ceremonies turned out to feature a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer. "They were everywhere and I was really worried that mine would get lost in the crowd." But there was no need to worry. Since ice sculpture is the Olympics newest event, Karvelotiene was surrounded by TV cameras the entire time.
Karvelotiene is the only girl in a family of ten athletes in the Vilnius suburbs, her brothers vying to make the Summer Olympics' first male synchronized swimming team. The exposure received by Karvelotiene has already brought her invitations to enter ice sculpture competitions in Pskov, Minsk, and Dnepropetrovsk. Lithuanian authorities say that for one full month the statue of Lenin will be removed from in front of the parliament building and be replaced by a statue of Karvelotiene with her chainsaw.

Lithuanian Skater Refuses to Shave Armpit Hair

2010-02-26T00:41:00.004-05:00

"I am actually a very talented performer," says Lithuanian figure skater Kristina Orbakaite. "I just wish people would stop talking about my armpit hair." But people will not stop, and as Orbakaite stepped on to the ice yesterday for her performance in the women's short event, a disturbing quiet descended over the crowd. "It's the armpit hair girl," spectators whispered.
"I'd like that they stop," says Orbakaite. "I could shave but, come on. It's time people get past it and see me as a skater." The Lithuanian government has made entreaties to the skating star, going so far as to organize a personal appeal from President Dalia Grybauskaite in the Olympic locker room. "If we wish the world not to see us as an Eastern European nation," the president reportedly told the young lady, "then our top skater should not have fur bushes under her arms."
The population of Lithuania, though, does not agree, and the Orbakaite style can be seen everywhere on the streets of Vilnius, where an estimated 95 percent of the women have stopped shaving their armpits. "I think it's disgusting," said a visiting American male tourist. "I've heard that Lithuanian chicks were hot, but this ruins it for me." The Catholic Church, however, is quite happy with the trend and the Cardinal of Lithuania has made multiple trips to the Vatican to promote the fashion as a prophylactic device and to seek a sponsorship for Orbakaite who recently lost support from Lithuania's largest spray-on hair removal maker. "I'm not shaving my fur bushes," Orbakaite told ESPN after skating to perfect tens, thrusting her arms in the air to express her joy.
Orbakaite (above) says armpit hair is girlicious.

Latvia Strikes Deal to Buy Hummer

2010-02-25T05:54:00.005-05:00

Confessing that "our bling-dependent, simple-minded citizenry cannot exist without them," Valdis Zatlers, the President of Latvia, announced a deal to buy Hummer from General Motors. Negotiated in the eleventh hour after GM failed to reach a deal with Chinese heavy equipment maker Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines, Zatlers said he was wearing pajamas in bed and smoking a cigar as he did the deal over the Latvian LMT mobile telephone network and not the Estonian product Skype. "The initial idea," said Zatlers, "is to gut the Occupation Museum and turn it into a first-class Hummer showroom," but the president allowed that many other ideas were on the table, as well.
Latvian businessmen were quick to offer kudos to the state for striking the deal, seeing opportunities to sell vast quantities of the vehicle in Russia. "Did you know," said businessman Edgars Lazo, "that Russia does not have a paved road connecting one end of its country to the other? It's true. Look it up. Thanks to the Latvia Hummer, Ivan in St. Petersburg will now be able to visit his cousin in Vladivostok. Can Skype do that? I don't think so."
Valdis Zatlers' personal lime-green Hummer with smoked glass and Asanti alloy urban wheels.

Happy Story for Reader Epp

2010-02-25T01:51:00.003-05:00

Bruised from comments by frustrated readers Epp ("why must you write about silly things") and Tony ("Anon...you're a consummate idiot"), the Livonian Chronicle purchased spellcheck yesterday and found nothing wrong with its stories. "I knew there were no spelling errors in our stories," said Chronicle editor Henry. "Spellcheck is really a tool for morons. But when you have people like Epp calling up and asking, then you've got to check and double check your work."
After a marathon negotiation session with Epp about the newspaper's tendency to publish silliness, the paper agreed to publish at least one story daily featuring a smiley face and some "positive, tourist-oriented facts about Estonia," including blatant use of the government's happy slogans, "Welcome to Estonia" and "Positively Surprising."
This variation of the smiley face (above) was invented in Estonia, though the nation allows free use through an open-use clause in its patent.

Russian Hockey: How a Loss Becomes a Victory

2010-02-25T01:38:00.007-05:00

“Same thing like if it was the Canadians,” Russian player Ilya Bryzgalov said when asked the ramifications of Russia's quarterfinals loss to Canada in hockey. “It’s a disaster. End of the world.” But it was only the end of the world in the West where viewers witnessed Canada thrash Russia 7-3. In Russia, Olympic hockey viewers were treated to a 8-0 victory over the Canadians with carefully edited footage plus a corps of skater/actors on call to deliver critical needed goals.
"Much like what the Americans did with Neil Armstrong's moonwalk, we recreated the Olympic stadium right here in this Moscow studio," said Ivan Klyzhevoski, mastermind behind the Russian victory. "Right here is where Coach Vyacheslav Bykov shed a tear after the victory." Klyzhevoski said Coach Bykov's speech was pre-recorded and followed closely a script sent to him by Kremlin administrators.
Asked if allowing foreign journalists in to cover the faked victory wasn't defeating the purpose, Klyzhevoski remarked, "When Russian citizens hear that you are reporting a victory for Canada, they will know that it is you who are making propaganda. Russia does not lose in hockey." Klyzhevoski concluded the tour of the stadium "where Russia will win the Vancouver Gold" with the Russian tradition of the bling chest, each journalist encouraged to stick one hand into a chest of gold necklaces keeping whatever that hand could hold.
Ilya Bryzgalov (above) celebrates Russia's 8-0 victory over Canada.

Tallinn Airport Lowers Landing Fees, Accepts Coupons

2010-02-24T06:17:00.005-05:00

In response to Vilnius Airport's surprise announcement that it had usurped the slow moving Estonians to win a master franchise agreement to open Riga Airports across the Baltic states, Tallinn Airport announced yesterday that it will reduce landing fees starting in April, Äripäev Online reports. The fees will be reduced from 155 kroons per ton, to EEK 25.99 per aircraft. Aircraft ordering an extra large soft drink can reduce this fee further, and Tallinn Airport will also accept competitors' coupons, for a limited time only.
In addition, the flight crew and passengers of each aircraft will receive free King Masks (pictured), while supplies last. Äripäev online expressed it's hope that this would mean also cheaper plane tickets, but nobody gives a fuck what they think.
Photo of Tallinn Airport Promotional Coupon "Land Your Plane, Get a King Mask!"

Vilnius Awarded Riga Airport Franchise

2010-02-24T05:18:00.032-05:00

Latvian airline airBaltic announced the launch of construction of a new terminal at the Riga airport which will allow it to service seven million passengers per year within five years, a 50% increase over current traffic, Verslo zinios writes. At a press conference in Riga, Air Baltic spokesman Laimonis Lidotajs said there were other expansion plans. "I am pleased to announce that Lithuania has been awarded the franchise for Riga Airport in Vilnius, which shall be known as Rigas Airportevicius Vilniaus.
Vilnius Airport spokesman Mindaugas Meibakicius said "Riga airport is the only real airport in the Baltic states. Now with this franchise, we can finally have our own real airport. It'll be great; like having a McDonald's franchise, only bigger, and there's no drive. Welcome to Rigas Airportevicius Vilniaus, may I take your order?" he asked brightly.
Proceedings were interrupted by Tallinn airport representative Kairi Kade, who accused Vilnius of stealing Tallinn's idea. "This is Tallinn's idea, which we've been working on since our airport was designed in 1978 as a large McDonalds, and they've stolen it," she said slowly, pointing at Meibakicius. "And we have developed a drive," she said, blowing a raspberry at Meibakicius. As reporters showered her with questions, Kade refuted claims that Tallinn had optioned a Hesburger Airport franchise as a backup plan. "That's not true," she said, "there isn't enough mayonnaise in this entire country for a Hesburger Airport."
Riga's new airport terminal is photographed on left. Tallinn's McDonalds-esque airport, with jet approaching the "drive" window, is on the right.

AirBaltic's New Acquisition Tactic: Hinting

2010-02-23T04:02:00.003-05:00

"Let's say I'm a girl who likes a boy but I don't want to approach him directly so I might tell a good friend or I might go the media and just hint around about it or maybe I'd hire a PR firm or you just never know," said Janis Vanags, Vice President of AirBaltic who seemed to suggest last week that his airline would be interested in purchasing a portion of Estonian Air. Estonia's national airline is owned by SAS (49%), the Estonian state (34%), and the investment bank Cresco (17%). Vanags added that "a certain girl might be willing to go to prom if one of three boys would ask her. And they don't even have to ask nicely."
Estonian Air's spokesman Lauri Lennuk, when contacted by the Livonian Chronicle, said that "the girl has not been direct enough about her interest and therefore the boy lacks sufficient grounds to approach with dignity. You can't just go straight up to a girl and ask, you know." SAS, for its part, characterized itself as "one of those slutty girls who is only interested in cash, so if a certain boy is interested then he should just like buy me a flash car or something." Cresco, when confronted with the analogy and dialogue to date, was unsure whether AirBaltic was the boy or the girl in the scenario. "Aren't we making something rather simple into something quite complicated?" asked Cresco's spokesman. "These tiny airlines really aren't worth their weight in drama." AirBaltic's Vanags said his airline would "continue to make itself look pretty in hopes that a relationship could be consumated."
AirBaltic employees (above) want to share their love and happiness with Estonian Air.

Estonians Finish Well in Ice Dancing Pairs

2010-02-22T09:24:00.007-05:00

Skating to "Theme from Love Story" arranged as a dirge for organ, Estonia's President and First Lady completed their first Olympic pairs ice dancing competition with high marks from the judges. Mostly, they received praise for their costumes. "The whole Dracula get-up was just stunning," remarked a Romanian judge. "They showed lots of flash and flare. The candelabras were huge." As the First Pair glided across the ice, wind machines caused their capes to extend, prompting one teenage spectator to shriek, "It's Batman, mommy!"
Asked from which gumball machine he got his gold-colored medallion, President Ilves removed it and gave it to an admiring young fan. "This whole depressing Eastern European theme is just way out there," said the fan, who identified himself as Dave from Toronto. "I'd really like to visit that place and see if everybody is as cool as the First Pair. I'm told you can walk right up to their house if you want and just ring the doorbell. Whoa! That's just way out there! Try doing that at Brian Mulroney's house."
The First Pair will return to Estonia for the independence ball but will return to Vancouver in time for their other event, curling.
The First Pair (above) skated boldly to dirge arrangement for organ.

Russia to Execute Its Non-medalist Olympic Athletes

2010-02-22T03:53:00.004-05:00

Ranking only seventh in the medal count, Russia's Olympic Committee announced today that athletes not winning medals would be executed upon their return to Russia. "Seventh place is simply not acceptable for Russia," said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. "To some this measure may seem Draconian but the Russian people understand."
"I understand," said Sergei Dmitrovich, a Russian citizen in the arctic village of Umba who was watching the Olympics at the village's only working television. "I believe in the end this new policy will make us stronger." A recent survey showed that 90 percent of Russians favored what is locally termed the Death to Losers Policy. "I'm a farmer," said Dmitri Sergeiyevich reached by phone in Russia's Volga region. "If I don't meet my quotas I pay a penalty. Why should it be different for athletes?" Prime Minister Putin seemed not worried that the state's new policy might increase defections, noting "Who'd take fourth-place finisher when even Belarus can medal?"
"Ask no quarter. Give none." Vladimir Putin (above) on Russia's new Olympic policy.

Theatre Bans Guns, Knives

2010-02-22T01:08:00.004-05:00

In a move unprecedented in the region, Tallinn's Coca-Cola Plaza Cinema placed a sign in the lobby banning firearms in the movie theatre. In Estonia, a country where Kalashnikov assault rifles are as ubiquitous as cabriolets in California, the sign has proved a bone of contention. "I will not see movies here anymore," said moviegoer Peeter Püss, who refused to check both his Makarov pistol and Kalashnikov rifle.
Other cinema complexes in the region have no such signs, and Püss, as well as a growing band of moviegoers, are making an exodus to Cinnamon Cinemas at Solaris, the newer and still firearm-friendly movie house. "What fun is a Schwarzenegger film without your sidearm?" asked Püss. "Solaris understands me as a man and as a consumer."
The firearm ban is just one episode of growing pains plaguing the small nation after its recent EU- and NATO ascension. "Some say we can't adopt the euro if we're all carrying around guns and shooting them into the air all the time. I find that claim ridiculous," said Estonia's Prime Minister Andrus Ansip yesterday as he finished the Tartu Marathon, having skied 60 kilometers with a Kalashnikov strapped to each shoulder. "What harm does this do?" asked the prime minister, squeezing off a dozen rounds of burst fire into the air as women and children ran for cover. "What? Would you rather have Estonian men drink?"
Coca-Cola Plaza's sign (above) bans knives, guns, and other cultural items treasured by Estonians.

Vancouver: Latvians Awarded Austria's Medals

2010-02-18T02:47:00.008-05:00

Due to a remarkable similarity in flags, the Latvian Olympic Team has been awarded all four medals technically won by Austria. In what the Austrians are claiming an administrative snafu, Latvia has taken its three Gold and one Bronze medal. A spokesman for the Latvian delegation has argued that "possession is 99 percent of the law," and says the Latvians plan to keep the medals.
Austria's president Heinz Fischer says he wants the medals back. "First Latvia stole our flag. Now they have stolen our medals." Fischer spent yesterday in meetings with Latvian president Valdis Zatlers, but little headway was made. "I think Austria make Super-G mountain out of a little gerbil hill. This is really nothings special," said Zatlers in a televised interview.
The Austrian flag (left) and Latvia's flag (right) are often confused.

Vanished Celebrities Surface in Latvia

2010-02-18T02:15:00.003-05:00

After a decade-long search, the Center for Vanished Celebrities has located six American celebrities in a remote Latvian village. Jan-Michael Vincent, Catherine Bach, Gil Gerard, Bronson Pinchot, Shelley Long, and Joe Piscopo were located yesterday in the northern Latvian city of Cesis, where they are all cast members in a local production of High School Musical. "It's a peaceful life here," said Catherine Bach, formerly Daisy on The Dukes of Hazzard. "Nobody really bothers us, because nobody recognizes us. I think the only TV show Latvians have ever seen is The Bold and the Beautiful and not even Bronson starred in that." Gil Gerard echoed the sentiment. "People always expected me to chase purse snatchers or beat up gang members on the subway," says Gerard of his time in New York. "They couldn't understand that I wasn't Buck Rogers."
So the six came together in 1991 to form Cesis Actors Studio, and they've been producing plays ever since. "We just finished a run of Henry the Fifth," said Jan-Michael Vincent. "I had a little trouble with my part, so they let me play Henry as the Airwolf guy would have played him. I got to wear a flight suit." Shelley Long, who played Katherine, was unavailable for this interview due to the flu, and had to step down from her part due to the same. Joe Piscopo, however, filled her shoes. "A man playing a woman in Latvia is not all that common, though it certainly was de rigueur in Shakespeare's day," noted Piscopo. "I think the Cesis paper probably covered us even more because of that, so it was good for the show."
The CAS crew says they are not running from publicity but are simply "basking in the old world culture of Europe for a spell," according to Bronson Pinchot. "We've started negotiations with Baltic television and it seems they are keenly interested in our talents."
Catherine Bach (above) on stage with the Cesis Actors Studio.

US, Estonia Partner in Magazine

2010-02-18T01:46:00.004-05:00

The new international magazine Best Of publishes only lists. "It's what the world wants," says Conde Nast Vice President Tom Florio who will serve as the magazine's publisher. It may be what America wants, but to save money Estonia will be producing the magazine. "Estonia has great experience with trashy magazines and journalism which the Americans want very much to mine. We will add our resources to your expertise and produce a solid international media property."
The first page of Best Of forms a pact with readers. "Other than the one you're currently reading, we will never publish a single complete sentence," writes editor Anna Wintour, who will set aside some of her responsibilities with Vogue to take over Best Of. True to her no-complete-sentence promise, Wintour adds that "We promise lists more lists what America wants." Publisher Florio says the no-complete-sentence policy also makes it easier to use foreign writers. "Eastern Europeans can actually write our magazine for us! Watch us put even more American journalists out of work!"
Best Of's first issue includes hot lists like "Best heels over six inches," "Loudest iPod models for public transport," "Best cars for wannabe oligarchs," "Best excuses to raise taxes in poor countries." In a special 'America' section, offerings abound: "Best ways to make your rifle automatic," "Most Successful Lawsuits," "Best Lines to Get Fast Emergency Room Care," and "Best body cavities to smuggle in discount meds from Canada."

Cannibalism on Decline in Southern Estonia

2010-02-17T02:40:00.004-05:00

Thanks in part to the EU-funded "Try Store-bought Meat" initiative, Estonians in the remote southern province of Võrumaa are turning away from cannibalism. "For the first time in ten years we've seen a trend away from consuming human flesh," said UN scientist David Rothenfirth. While Estonians from Võrumaa do not kill and eat other human beings, they do eat the flesh from humans who have died of both natural- and un-natural causes. This Võrumaa practice is an ancient cultural tradition which is noted on the UNESCO List of Intangible Cultural Heritage.
Scientist Rothenfirth has been following the practice since Estonia's independence in 1991. In partnership with the EU, Rothenfirth produced television commercials where a large stuffed animal called Mummi (representative of an Estonian cartoon icon) refuses to eat the flesh of her dead parents. "The spots are really quite moving," added Rothenfirth. "They've truly made an impact on kids." But not on adults, as elder Võrumaalased continue to consume human flesh. But Rothenfirth believes in the data: "As the elderly die off, I am convinced this vile practice will end."
Rothenfirth is eager to try a similar program in Latvia and Lithuania where the incidence of cannibalism is even higher. "Lithuanians, in particular," noted the scientist, "will eat human flesh indiscriminately. It's so bad that tourism has suffered. Even the Poles won't go there anymore."
The mummi (above) is Estonia's anti-cannibalism poster child.

Sweden's Kalla to Give Up Acting

2010-02-16T06:24:00.006-05:00

"My Hollywood stunt career is over," said Sweden's Charlotte Kalla after winning the gold in the women's 10k freestyle cross-country skiing event. "I no longer have need to sit for hours in a makeup room in order to simply fulfill others' fantasies." Kalla says she will instead open the Charlotte Kalla Ski School and Dance Academy, from which she will sell autographs, logoed t-shirts, and Olympic paraphernalia she has collected from other athletes.

Vancouver: 'Too Damned Many Asians'?

2010-02-16T02:02:00.006-05:00

"Vancouver is nice except there are too damned many Asians," said Estonian hockey star Karl Kepp in a televised interview with Russia's channel Rossiya 1. Immediately, the Russian propaganda machine attempted to turn Kepp's interview into an international scandal. Russia's daily Pravda, published the interview and used Latin letters to misspell Estonia: eSStonia. "They put words in my mouth," Kepp later said in a prepared statement. "What I was talking about was the colorful mosaic of Vancouver as it was enriched by the Hong Kong exodus and later establishment of such rich cultural treasures like the Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Classical Chinese Garden." Kepp said that he, as an Estonian, could appreciate other cultures due to "Estonia's limestone escarpment, its winter capital of Otepää, and centuries of mudbath tradition in our beach city of Pärnu." An Estonian government spokesman added that mudbaths were 50 percent off on Wednesdays in Pärnu for speakers of Cantonese or Mandarin.
Estonian hockey star Karl Kepp (above) says he was misquoted. "Slanteyes are okay with me," he later said.

Latvian Finishes 70th: Gets Medal

2010-02-16T01:46:00.003-05:00

"Well, it wasn't a real medal," modestly noted Latvian cross-country skier Anete Brice who finished 70th in the women's 10-kilometer freestyle. "It was the cardboard medal which comes on a bottle of Zelonaya Marka vodka which President Zatlers had just finished. He took it off the bottleneck and hung it around a button on my coat."
Brice's 70th-place finish is the highest finish ever recorded for Latvia, three places better than its 1988 finish in Seoul, Korea. "What this shows," said Latvia's ski coach Maris Lazo, "is that our 'Just Show Up' program is producing results. Latvia's flag will proudly fly today." As Latvia's President Zatlers awarded Brice the Zelonaya Marka medal his wife produced a small Latvian flag from her pocket and hummed the anthem. Brice is a native of Cesis, Latvia, and was awarded a seven-year-old Citroen by the Latvian parliament only moments after her victory. According to Latvian custom the automobile's windows will be smoked and after-market alloy wheels installed.

Norway: 'Poor Countries Should Not Compete'

2010-02-16T01:26:00.005-05:00

Not seconds after Estonia's Kristina Smigun finished second for a Silver in the women's 10-kilometer freestyle, the Norwegians were flinging accusations of unfairness. "It's not right," said Thor Thorssen of Norway's Olympic Committee. "Estonia is a country whose GDP is a fraction of Sweden's whose GDP is a fraction of Norway's. How could two poor countries both beat us?" Thorssen was referring to Sweden's Charlotte Kalla and Norway's Marit Bjoergen who finished Gold and Bronze, respectively. "In the future," said Thorssen, "I don't think countries with low GDPs should be allowed to participate in the Olympics. Not everyone can have the euro, why do they let just anybody into the Olympics?"
Thorssen added that if the games had been in Norway the Estonian competitors would have been forcibly removed to insane asylums "like we did with that Abba girl's mom--she got what was coming to her." The Norwegian added that "little Swedish girl was just lucky her government didn't sterilize her mother for her having an Estonian last name. Since when has 'Kalla' been Swedish?"
Thorssen (left) was later forcibly removed from Olympic grounds for trying to sterilize athletes from low-GDP countries. Smigun (right) says she still believes in quality portrait photography.

Canada Eschews Modesty, Latvia Follows Suit

2010-02-15T07:15:00.004-05:00

It might be natural for a host country to want to win, but it's not natural for Canadians. "We're used to second place," Canada's Prime Minister, Pierre Trudeau, told NBC News last Sunday. "We're always living in the shadow of the United States." Which is why Canada introduced its "Own the Podium" program, an attempt to dominate the games on its home turf and beat back American hegemony. "We are the Master Olympic Race," said Trudeau. "And it is time we put aside our Canadian modesty and beat our hairless chests like Tarzan. We shall own the podium."
Canada's program has been frequently contrasted with the Baltic programs, namely Latvia's "Just Show Up" Olympic initiative and Lithuania's slightly more cumbersome "If We Do Win a Medal Let's Hope They Fly the Right Flag" program. Estonia's program is called "See Our Sausage" and pins its hopes on an unknown corporate sponsor rocketing to international recognition when Kristina Smigun wins Gold. "Everyone will know about Rakvere Meat Factory," said Rakvere Lihakombinaat's director, Lauri Liha. "Everyone will see our sausage."
Above: Canada PM Trudeau in typical modest pose.

Wintour Calls Estonian Olympic Uniforms "Gay"

2010-02-15T05:19:00.004-05:00

Anna Wintour, Vogue magazine's editor-in-chief, was present for the Vancouver Olympics' opening ceremonies and watched the parade with her sartorial eye. "I could understand it," she wrote on her Vogue blog, "if all the Estonian athletes were rich and would just throw their uniforms away after the games. They should be wearing something more versatile than these gay-looking Abominable Snowman costumes. I mean, Estonia's a cold country so maybe they'll want to wear the coats out to dinner."
Wintour came under immediate fire from Baltika Clothing's Director of Design and Estonian First Lady, Evelin Ilves. "I designed the outfits for our athletes modeled on the colors and styles I like to wear while rollerblading," said Ilves, when reached for comment. "So I don't see what Anna Wintour is complaining about. There's nothing gay about them." Estonian athletes, however, reported having "gay" shouted at them as they walked through the streets of Vancouver's Olympic Village. "I stopped wearing the uniform," said Estonian cross country skier Martin Moes. "Since I switched to my coat from the Humana second-hand shop, the other athletes have stopped picking fights with me."
Anna Wintour, left, and Estonia's luge uniform, right. Abominable Snowman coat photos not available.

Russia Last in Vancouver Medal Count

2010-02-15T02:32:00.002-05:00

"We're not exactly last," said President Dmitri Medvedev, interviewed in the stands. "We are tied for last with those who have won medals. There are many countries who have won zero medals." True enough: Russia is tied for last with nine other countries, the United States leading the medal race with six.
Latvia has yet to win a medal, though after a death in the luge event, their maintenance workers from Sigulda were flown in to slow down the track. "We thought if anyone can make a fast track slow it would be the Latvians," said Sliding Center chief Rene Antoine, as he collected the empty bottles left behind by the Latvian workers. The Lithuanian team, also medal-less, has set a record for number of bars of soap stolen from hotels, though Vancouver organizers say no medal will be awarded. Estonia's Kristina Smigun is readying herself for the cross country skiing events and was seen yesterday training on the course with a large banner reading Will Ski for Sausage. Smigun is sponsored by the Rakvere Meat Factory from Rakvere, Estonia. Smigun spent time laughing and joking with other nations' athletes while distributing buttons reading Ask me about my sausage.

Nordic Passengers Demand More from EA

2010-02-10T02:23:00.004-05:00

Estonian Air recently announcd that it would bring back free on-board food on longer flights as a way to differentiate itself in a market full of budget airlines. However, a passenger rights group, the Nordic Citizens Air Travelers Association, has called for more. "We want the tourist class stewardesses to wear tighter outfits and let us pat them on the buttocks," says Stig Larsson, chairman of the rights group. "In first class we want the return of the Mile High Club and bra-less, open-bloused Ukrainian flight attendants who are all under 30 years old, and none of those big American-type stewardesses over 50 with the saggy boobs. We want an extra large welcome beer on early morning flights, free shuttle service to the Xclub upon landing at Ülemiste, and Finnish and Swedish flags displayed on every seatback."
Estonian Air management said NCATA's proposals were interesting and would be seriously considered in the name of doing its best for all its Scandinavian and Nordic passengers. NCATA's Larsson suggested the airline might also consider discounting seats on flights which are otherwise empty but noted "that's just a wild business idea from a crazy, drunken Swede."

Putin, Ansip Meet at Baltic Summit

2010-02-10T02:09:00.005-05:00

At the costume party preamble to the Baltic Sea Action Summit, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin struck up a conversation with Estonia's PM Andrus Ansip. "We talked about sea life and how fragile the Baltic Sea is," said Putin, who was dressed as Bruce Willis after he had just saved the world.
"He had a great costume," said Ansip. "A wife-beater tshirt, a handgun, and his arms all glistening with sweat. I didn't recognize it was Putin until he said Russia should have no restrictions on catching herring. When I did realize it was him, I turned and walked away of course. So please don't anyone be angry who is reading this in my home country," the Estonian Prime Minister added. "I really did try to snub him."
Putin said that he recognized the Estonian Prime Minister all along -- "who else would dress as a Setu woman?" -- and approached him in good faith. "Mr. Ansip and I should discuss many matters but the Estonians simply refuse to talk."
Also at the party were Swedish King Carl XVI Gustaf (dressed as a Nazi General), Lithuanian President Dalia Grybauskaite (peasant girl), and Latvian President Valdis Zatlers (porn-actor physician).

Museum Named Employer of Year for Old Soviet Hags

2010-02-09T02:33:00.004-05:00

Tallinn's Kadriorg Museum has been named Employer of the Year for Old Soviet Hags by the International Association of Art Museums. Kadriorg also finished second in the category of Most Self-righteous Coat Attendants. "We're of course very proud of this honor," said museum director Viviann Vihane. "We work hard every day to earn the title." Vihane credits her number of overly grumpy Soviet-era employees to her recruitment program. "I haunt bus- and rail stations and other like venues looking for disgruntled sixty-year-olds who work as bathroom attendants. I find these often have the prerequisite amount of hate inside them to qualify for work at Kadriorg."
Vihane noted that all her employees are trained in "giving art lovers the evil eye" and undergo an intense "suspicious state of mind" orientation session where they learn to enlarge the chips on their shoulders. "All our workers are committed to making the visitor feel that he or she is lower than grass," boasted Vihane. "And you can't find that just anywhere, certainly not at KUMU."

Salinger Called a "Goddam Whiner"

2010-02-09T02:12:00.003-05:00

Known for calling a spade a spade, the Estonian Society of Literature has published an open letter in the New York Times, calling on the many who are eulogizing the writer J.D. Salinger to "stop kissing his butt so much by mentioning all his goddam whining." The letter acknowledges that "...it is true he wrote one of America's three perfect books [Huckleberry Finn, The Great Gatsby the other two], but this whole hermit act and bitching about being famous is tiresome." The ESL notes that "eulogy is one thing, hagiography completely another."
In the open letter, ESL cites multiple incidents reported by the New Yorker's coverage where the magazine chronicles Salinger's annoyance with every other writer on the planet, including Truman Capote, Kenneth Tynan, John Grisham, and Tony Robbins. "Could we all just stop and take a breath," reads the ESL's open letter, "and consider the implications of the fact that the man did not like Audrey Hepburn?" The ESL calls for "a complete and immediate end" to the airtime devoted to the "bitchy, pissy, whiney, and negative side of Salinger."
Salinger, above, ice pick in hand, destroys a neighbor child's soccer ball when it landed in his yard.

Latvian National Library A Tragic Accident

2010-02-08T11:55:00.028-05:00

According to anonymous Latvian surveys, 50 percent of accidents in the workplace are never reported, says the State Labor Inspectorate's Deputy Director Dagnija Darba. “In most cases, this is because employees fear losing their jobs, or are blind drunk, slice off a finger and wake up two days later and can't find it.” Darba points out. “That would explain the body parts I find scattered about the shop floor,” said Sam Stump, manager at the Jelgava Glass Shard factory. “And I guess those pools of blood aren't Haitian voodoo rituals after all," he said, scratching his head. According to glass cutter Penelope Parkapeja this isn’t news. “Accidents happen all the time that are unreported,” she said. “Always have. I myself resulted from an accident 24 years ago, that happened to my mother while working here. My whole miserable life could've been avoided had only someone reported that knee trembler she got in the broom closet.”
Boris Buvnieks, a foreman on the construction site of the new Latvian National Library, agrees. He said “I have it on good authority that the National Library architect Gunars Birkerts suffered a horrible epileptic seizure while designing this building, pen in hand. He jerked around scribbling uncontrollably before he passed out. Nobody reported that accident, the Latvians mistook his epileptic fit for intentional design and now lookit – I gotta build the damn thing! Tell me that Popeye cartoon ship, that giant oozing slug of a building is not an accident,” he said, wiping a tear angrily from his cheek.
Above, fotos of Latvian National Library, and of a slug (the library is on the left).

BBN Named "Biggest Whores, February"

2010-02-08T07:09:00.004-05:00

In a monthly competition sponsored by the International Newspaper Press Association, BBN Estonia has been named "Biggest Whores, February 2010" for their treatment of the story of the portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci arriving in Estonia via Air Baltic.
"Can you get any lazier than just running a press release?" asked INPA spokesman David Carpathian. "BBN turned a wonderful story about a discovered portrait--indeed, a historic occasion--into a plug for some insignificant Baltic airline. It is shame at a whole new level." BBN's February 5th headline read Leonardo da Vinci Booked for AirBaltic Flight, with a story not choosing to mention the historical significance of the event until its final paragraph. "Usually we wait until the beginning of the following month to give the award for the previous month," said the newspaper association's Carpathian, "but this time a whole new level of whoredom was reached and we felt compelled to give the award before even ten days of the month were out."
BBN will receive ten boxes of XL t-shirts bearing the words "Press Whore" and a free AirBaltic pen and pencil set for each member of the staff.

Latvian Political Parties Update Image

2010-02-08T05:06:00.010-05:00

Two of Latvia’s ruling coalition parties - New Era and Civic Union – have decided to merge. The formation, approved by Civic Union on Saturday, will be called Unity. New Era members will vote on the merger February 13. Explaining the name choice, Unity spokesman Sandijs Savieniba said “We tried to join our names together, like NEWCIVIC ERAUNION, but that sounded like a Japanese car commercial.” On hearing the news, other Latvian political parties rushed to update their images. The party of Aivars Lembergs, the Union of Greens and Farmers was first. Zals Zemnieks, their spokesman, said, “We thought our new name could be Greens & Farmers, Ha Ha Ha, cause who ever heard of Greens teaming up with Farmers? We needed something to capture that 'out there' image we cherish. And after more than nine minutes of debate, we’ve selected Planet Zog, and the motto It’s not a place; it’s a party.
Andris Skele’s office announced that his People’s Party has changed their name to Robin Hood & His Merry Men, “Because,” said spokesman Barons Bledis, “like Robin Hood, we steal from the rich and give to the poor.” Asked what they give to the poor, Bledis said “Usually, a swift kick up the ars to help them get up, get a job and stop sucking off society's tit. Lazy buggers. I hate the poor,” he muttered under his breath.
Latvia’s First Party / Latvia’s Way issued a press release saying, “Name changes are mere political grandstanding, and we refuse to participate in this charade.” The statement was signed by First Party’s leader, L. Ron Hubbard, formerly known as Ainars Slesers.

Estonians Name Children After Security Codes

2010-02-08T02:52:00.004-05:00

"This is Europe's newest trend," said Estonian Prime Minister Andrus Ansip, "and it was all Estonia's idea!" Eurostat data shows that ninety percent of Estonian mothers have registered their newborns' names following the first security code required for posting commentary on a website they encountered after birth.
"I've named my new baby Gughtwr," beamed an Estonian mother in the Pelgulinn Children's Hospital. "I think it's a beautiful name, and it's uniquely European." Evelin, the mother in the bed next to her had named her newborn Fwoamqd. "Some of the names with numbers are a bit harder to pronounce," said Evelin, "but they're beautiful, too."
Estonian Finance Minister Jürgen Ligi says he is not worried that numbers incorporated into a child's name will make use of the Estonian ID card more difficult. "We have the world's best programmers, and we'll find a way around it." Ligi himself recently named his newborn Cran9FtZigfot, which he said he found on the BBN site he regularly spams with English comments.
Jürgen Ligi's new baby, Cran9FTZigfot, pictured in its first week.

Obama, Ilves, Putin Join in Speechmaking Pact

2010-02-08T02:39:00.008-05:00

Barack Obama, Toomas Hendrik Ilves, and Vladimir Putin have signed an agreement to all use the same three sentences somewhere in their next official national addresses. What kind of an animal could have done such a thing? will be the opening sentence of each head of state's speech.
"We kind of got to talking about speeches over a beer," said Obama, "and decided wouldn't it be fun if we all had to work the same three sentences into a speech. That 'animal' line was Ilves' and I think it's a pretty good one." Obama himself then offered the second, The beast will have its day. "I was unsure," said Obama, "whether Ilves was taking a shot at Russia or whether he just likes Hollywood movie trailers, but in either case I wanted to stick to the theme." Putin, for his part, followed with There are those who would use this power to destroy the world. "I thought that one was kind of ominous and dark, but what the hell, you know he's Russian," said Obama. All three leaders' speeches will debut in February and be available on their websites.

Study Proves Estonians Friendly

2010-02-05T01:36:00.005-05:00

University of California at Berkeley scientist Ron Chalfant (left) has proven Estonians are indeed friendly. "That whole withdrawn thing is an act," says Chalfant, who recently published the results of his experiments in the academic journal International Stoic.
Chalfant's work centered around former Soviet peoples' rigid adherence to assigned seating. "My idea was to put a leper in an advanced stage of the disease in a not-so-good seat in a movie theatre and then assign an Estonian the seat right next to him. In an otherwise empty theatre, would the Estonian choose another seat?" The Estonians, in fact, insisted on sitting next to the leper, even in cases where the leper's skin would fall off as Dolby Surround Sound shook the theatre. Chalfant then repeated his leper/Estonian experiment in other venues such as empty buses and trains. "In all cases, the Estonians insist on sitting next to the leper," said Chalfant.
Chalfant's peers argued that the experiments proved only that Estonians are lovers of silly rules, but Chalfant dismisses those concerns noting that in stage two of his experiment when the leper struck up a conversation, Estonians participated. "What did the leper say to the prostitute?" was one of the conversation starters offered by the lepers in the movie theatres. "The answer is," said Chalfant, "'Keep the tip!' Pretty funny, huh? But it's still science!" Dr. Chalfant will join Tartu University as a guest faculty member in the spring.

Smigun Takes Early Lead in Portrait Photography

2010-02-05T01:29:00.005-05:00

Unlike Kristina Smigun, Karel Tammjärv doesn't have sponsors which make an attractive portrait possible. "My buddy Aivar took it," he said referring to his teammate Aivar Rehemaa. "And I took his. Maybe we look more or less alike because we used the same camera. Or maybe we just look more or less alike. That's what my mom says, anyway, not that you asked for this long of an explanation or anything."
Kristina Smigun, however, former multiple Olympic Gold winner, is sponsored by Rakvere Meat Factory and skis in the name of link sausage. This year she will ski with one four-inch blood sausage hanging out a hole cut in the rear of her pants. "Yes, I know what it looks like," she said when reached via telephone, "but it really does get noticed and it sells a lot of sausage and that's why I'm able to have the quality of Olympic portrait I have when my teammates have ones taken by Aivar." After pausing to visibly consume an A. le Coq energy drink in front of a Norwegian television camera, Smigun added, "No offense meant, Aivar."
The Estonian team arrived in Vancouver yesterday for the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games. Read the Livonian Chronicle for in-depth and exclusive coverage of Balts at the Vancouver Olympics.
Smigun (above left) was able to afford Sears Portrait Studios quality, while Tammjärv and Rehemaa took their photos with a borrowed one-megapixel Sony.

Ansip Resigns Post to Captain Solaris

2010-02-04T08:11:00.003-05:00

"I always knew he was different than other children," said Vesta Ansip, in a 1994 interview about her son, then Tartu Mayor Andrus Ansip. "He was of course physically different, but he also didn't like to play with other children. He wanted to stay inside and plot vectors, ponder equations about weight versus mass, and build small-scale nuclear engines to power the riding lawnmower he built for his father. It was the only riding lawn mower in the entire Soviet Union." Vesta Ansip said her son did take an interest in physical activities, but they centered around "pinching other children's faces in a manner which would make them writhe in pain and toss about on the floor like they were epileptic," a skill later to come in useful for his rise through Estonia's Reform Party.
Early this morning, the Prime Minister held a news conference to announce that as of March 1st he will step aside as PM in order to serve as captain aboard the Solaris Keskus. "Something about the name 'Solaris' I have always found attractive," said Ansip, reading from a prepared statement in order to keep emotion from overcoming him. "It is with a certain amount of sadness I leave parliament, but the opportunity to command a vessel like Solaris comes only once in a lifetime." Fleet representatives were on hand to present Mr. Ansip with his new purple velour uniform and shiny gold captain's bars. A fleet representative who spoke on the condition of anonymity said the fleet rejected Ansip's request to rename Solaris 'the Kirov', but that negotiations were otherwise without obstacle.
Ansip (left) in university days. Today (right) he takes Solaris' helm.

Grybauskaite & Obama: Whose Idea Was It?

2010-02-04T04:17:00.003-05:00

Lithuanian President Dalia Grybauskaite plans to visit Washington and her staff is seeking a meeting with President Barack Obama. The presidential adviser on foreign policy Darius Semaska says the meeting was suggested on the initiative of Grybauskaite. "Do you think that in relations with such countries as Lithuania, President Obama shows initiative?" asked Semaska. Obama may not have taken the initiative on this meeting, but the White House confirms that Grybauskaite has already been invited to the daily pick-up basketball game. "We've had Lithuanians play before," said Obama when reached on his Blackberry by the Livonian Chronicle. "They're always good shooters. I understand Grybauskaite isn't tall, but if she's Lithuanian she'll know how to box out." The President said small wagers are often placed on the game and that Grybauskaite might consider to bet her reconstruction budget in Ghor province. "If she shoots two for two from the line, then I agree the US will fully finance Lithuania's efforts in Ghor" Obama said. "But if she misses, then she's got to come here and work in the White House kitchen for two weeks and make those little zeppelini thingies. You don't get fairer than that," said the president.
Grybauskaite will be the first woman to play in the weekly White House basketball game (above).

Latvia to take one Guantanamo prisoner

2010-02-03T17:40:00.015-05:00

Latvia will take one former Guantanamo bay prisoner, a closed session of the government decided Tuesday(see foto). According to unofficial information, the man is a citizen of Uzbekistan detained at the border with Pakistan. Although he has apparently never been involved in terrorism, he did cheat at Gitmo Prison Poker, has over 600 unpaid parking fines in Tashkent, and has never once brushed his teeth.
"We are pleased - particularly at this time - to play our role as a valued ally of the United States," said Latvian Ministry of Defense spokesman Vergu Uzraugs. Asked what is special about this time, Uzraugs answered, "it's Winter, we've received 7 meters of snow, and we've got 400 pensioner women keeping the streets of Riga clear. Those lazy old bags need help," Uzraugs said, picking his teeth with a paperclip. "Yessir, ole Waziristan there will have a shovel stuck to his hand so fast it'll make the diaper on his head spin 'round." Uzraugs has applied to accept 25 more Guantanamo detainees, "as long as they can operate a Mexican backhoe," he said. The captive's upkeep, rehabilitation, and Fiskars brand galvanized snow shovel will be paid for by the United States.

Snow brings chaos to Riga

2010-02-03T16:38:00.009-05:00

Unusually heavy snow fell in Riga on Monday, covering the city in a 50 cm blanket of snow - a 15 year high. The storm caused chaos in the streets of the capital, snarling public transportation and stopping traffic. In response, a massive snow removal effort is planned in the city, according to Riga Deputy Mayor Ainars Slesers.
Riga Satiksmes (Transport) Department spokesman Maris Marsrut said "The process is simple. First, we select a committee of 37 snow removal experts, which takes a week or two. Then we collect 37 opinions on how many old pensioner ladies we should employ and what color snow shovels they should be forced to buy. Gradually, we narrow this down to 5 options, and do rock, paper scissors to pick the best choice. Next, we invite Mr. Slesers to attend a committee meeting, make a compelling and sophisticated multi media presentation to him of our final recommendation, which he discards out of hand. Then, we do whatever he thinks is best," said Marsrut happily, adding "that way we include everyone in the process. It's very democratic."
Asked for comment, Slesers' office responded via email that Mr. Slesers is confident of a rapid resolution, and isn't at all concerned about failure, as he travels the 1.3 km from his home to city hall by helicopter.

Restaurant Owner to be Shot at Dawn

2010-02-03T00:44:00.005-05:00

"I still don't understand what I did," said Hillar Halb, owner of Kaleva Kartul, as his hands were bound behind his back and he was led from the courtroom to await execution at dawn. "I didn't think my restaurant was that bad."
But his restaurant was that bad. Guide Michelin judges, in Tallinn for a reconnaissance mission to determine whether to begin to rate the city's restaurants, stopped off at Halb's potato restaurant for a snack. "I thought 'potato, Baltic, you know,' that it just makes sense," said the Michelin judge who by rules of his organization could not identify himself. "But Estonians obviously cannot even properly cook a potato." The Michelin judge, on his blog, Vomitorium, described Kaleva Kartul as "a rare combination of pulverized potato, randomly-selected decor, and non-stop techno music which all amounts to an offense against mankind not witnessed in this magnitude since the Holocaust." The Michelin judge noted that the decor was particularly bizarre: "It's like this place was designed by a committee where every single member was tripping on some different substance."
Halb's sentence was stayed by an executive order but is expected to be carried out forthwith. For his last meal, he did not order from his own restaurant.

Ansip: Paul Krugman can't find ass with both hands

2010-02-03T00:38:00.003-05:00

Fueled by a combination of high-caffeine Nordic coffee and John Dizard's January 31 denunciation of Paul Krugman's statement that Estonia would follow the path of Argentina into a devaluation of currency, Estonian Prime Minister Andrus Ansip stood before parliament yesterday and tore into Krugman. "Dizard is right that Krugman opened his mouth without sufficient information on Estonia," said the PM, rocking back and forth on his feet as members of parliament egged him on by shouting "Amen" and "I hear you, brother." Ansip noted that "Krugman has never been to Estonia and couldn't find his own ass with both hands," adding, "but if he ever does come here we'll certainly do our best to kiss his ass, though. Any press is good press."
Ansip of Krugman (left): "Nobel, my ass. But I have to admit he's photogenic."

Grover Book Named Estonia's "Best English-language Title 2009"

2010-02-02T13:59:00.003-05:00

The Estonian Society of Literature has named author Alexander Grover's The New Estonian Golden Age: How Estonia Will Rise to Be One of Europe's Five Richest Nations as Estonia's Best English-language book of 2009. "We believe Mr. Grover's book exhibits all the trademarks of an ESL book," said Igor Igav, spokesman for the ESL award committee. "We hope this means that whoever is pretending to be Alex can now stop shamelessly plugging the book on BBN's website," added Igav, "and that the publisher will be able to unload the rest of the copies stashed in his garage at the reduced $8.99 price on Amazon.com." Grover was unreachable for comment.
Buy the book here, here, here, or here.

Tweets From the Road: Roman Graffiti

2010-02-02T09:09:00.015-05:00

The following text (see also foto) was found carved into a Colliseum wall in 'Centro Storico' part of Ancient Rome
"Hic ad Callinicum / futui orem anum palma
amicom re nolite / in aedi
Livius me cunus / lincet Tertulle cunnu
Efesius Terpsilla amat anum"

Translation:
I met a pretty girl once from Italy
who said 'Rome is my home' rather wittily
her eyes were a' smolder
as my arm draped round her shoulder
she said take your left hand off my tittily

800 Passengers Stranded in Ice

2010-02-02T07:54:00.003-05:00

Eckeröline's M/S Norlandia became icebound last week on its way from Helsinki to Tallinn and the fate of its 847 souls on board is unsure. "Luckily, we're in Finnish territorial waters, so the Finns have to feed us while we're stranded," said passenger Mike Murphy of St. Louis, Missouri. "Now if we were stuck just a few kilometers South, then the Estonians would feed us, and god only knows what that might be like." Estonia's Interior Ministry Jürgen Ligi confirmed that the passengers would be fed by Finland and that Mr. Murphy "would not have to suffer a bowl of milk soup, sült or other Estonian gastronomic oddities." The minister added that "Murphy, being American, is probably a fatass anyway, who could do to miss a few meals." A spokesman for Eckerö said they believed the ship could be freed from the ice as soon as April when the seas might warm enough to "break the ice by using fatass American passengers walking on the ice front of the ship."

Crime Map for Riga?

2010-02-02T07:53:00.001-05:00

Latvia's Ministry of the Interior has suggested making a map of crime hot spots in Riga available for tourists and residents. Although similar maps are available in cities like New York and London, the Riga police are skeptical about the proposal. "I mean, why make a new map?" asked Riga Chief of Police Edgars Lazo. "The existing In-your-Pocket strip club map will do just fine. Replace the dots marked 'strip club' with the text 'tourist beating zone' and you're good to go." Lazo said he thought a "credit card fraud hot spots map" might be more appropriate for Riga and could possibly get funding from Visa and Mastercard. "Plus, New York and London don't have that yet."

Tweets from the Road: Lessons From Roman Mafia

2010-02-02T07:25:00.018-05:00

Role Model Mafia:
they drive cute little cars
parked in cute little rows
they run garbage, construction
they pimp Roman ho's
dressed to the nines
don't wear no gay shoes
they're polite when they dine
say please and thank you
Baltic thugs hey word up
it's Smart cars for you

Tweets from the Road: Liberated Rome

2010-02-01T11:25:00.004-05:00

Roman women are liberated. They demand equality; refuse to be placed on pedestals. Although on occasion, one may be found perched atop a pizza oven, like this 'tunnel of desire' model..

Ambassador Kalela Accused of Witchcraft

2010-02-01T04:41:00.009-05:00

In a demonstration nothing short of stunning, Finland's Ambassador to Estonia, Jaakko Kalela, used a small, two-wheeled machine to effortlessly remove snow from Tallinn's Victory Square yesterday. "The ambassador is using only one hand!" shrieked Tallinn's Deputy Mayor Taavi Aas, as several dozen Estonians shouted "witch" and fled the square.
Since independence, Estonia has clung to its Soviet-era practice of snow removal on pedestrian paths, which is to say it employs three old women with brooms made of twigs who are ill or absent roughly three days out of five.
Ambassador Kalela also introduced a substance he referred to as "salt" to the ranks of city government administrators assembled on the square. "If you put this on the snow, watch how the frozen matter melts! And if you don't want to ruin your leather-soled shoes, put these granite pellets down on the sidewalk." The ambassador demonstrated their use by having several pensioners show how they could tread upon the granite pieces without slipping and breaking limbs. Asked whether additional western techniques might be employed to make Tallinn sidewalks safer, Deputy Mayor Aas would make no commitment but did concede that "the magic of this Kalela is truly strong."
Ambassador Kalela (above right) used the two-wheeled machine (above left) to dazzle spectators. Some bystanders said Kalela threatened to "blot out the sun."

Tweets From The Road: Gay Rome

2010-01-30T04:41:00.005-05:00

Via del Corso in central Rome full of classic Italian shoes. Hidden among them, however, are thousands of pointy, white, or velcro'd shoes for gay men. Conspiracy suspicioned. Baltic men feared susceptible. Vatican implicated.

Lithuanians Most Miserable

2010-01-29T02:03:00.003-05:00

According to the survey Eurobarometer, only 55 percent of Lithuanians are satisifed with their life today. 45 percent categorized themselves as "downright miserable" checking additional boxes indicating their misery was the fault of Latvia, parliament, Estonia, Barack Obama, God, and "that bitch of a neighbor next door with her dog that won't stop barking."
More than half polled said they believed 2010 would be more difficult than 2009, and 94 percent pledged to move to Chicago as soon as their relatives could get clean sheets on the roll-out sofa.
Lithuania's flag, above.

J.D. Salinger Dies, Leaves Estate to Estonia

2010-01-29T01:53:00.005-05:00

Jerome David Salinger, recluse author of The Catcher in the Rye, died yesterday at 91. A winter resident of New Hampshire and summer resident of the seaside neighborhood of Pirita in Tallinn, Estonia, Mr. Salinger left his entire estate to the Pirita Vabajakeskus [Pirita Free Time Center, -ed.] where he enjoyed spending time at the bar with Estonian writers.
Salinger lived the last fifty years of his life in seclusion, each summer spent in Estonia where he befriended novelists Jaan Kross and Mati Unt. While, the western press occasionally reported that Salinger drank his own urine, ate only frozen peas for breakfast, and sat for hours in an orgone box, he was able to pass unnoticed in Estonia. "In fact," noted Jaan Kross, "Mati and I were the only Estonians who ever spoke to him."
In Salinger's honor, the Pirita Vabajakeskus will rename its bar Pissibaar. "Although none of us could ever be bothered to speak to him, we believe Jerome was a good person," said bar manager Imbi Int. "And like a true gentleman, he always drank his urine at room temperature."

Latvia's Firewood Follies

2010-01-29T01:45:00.003-05:00

According to a LETA survey, demand for firewood in Latvia has doubled due to the recent cold snap. This year a truckload of firewood sells for LVL 100, down from LVL 150 last winter, though some clever new capitalists have placed fresh locks on the Statoil firewood sheds and are forcing buyers to leave five lats on the dashboard of a police vehicle parked nearby in order to gain access to the shed. For those without the means to purchase cut wood, Latvian parliament members are selling chairs and furniture from the front entrance of the Seima and will often deliver it to your home in the boot of their Mercedes Benz for the promise of a hot bowl of borscht or sexual favors from female members of the family.

Obama Calls Estonia "Model"

2010-01-28T01:40:00.005-05:00

In his first State of the Union Address, US President Barack Obama cited Estonia as a "model of democracy which America would do well to emulate." In addition to confronting domestic issues such as unemployment, health care, terrorism, a war on two fronts, Obama took time in his speech to praise Estonia's flat income tax, zero tax on corporate earnings, and the "unique landscape of Võrumaa, which includes the witch's well, which is thought to be caused by witches underground in a sauna." Democrats and Republicans were a bit baffled by the presidential speech's detour into Estonia's southern hill country, but many, when polled afterwards, said they were considering a visit to Estonia this very summer. "Obama made me really think about Estonia's unique jagged coastline and her exciting abundance of winter- and summer family activities," said Representative Rosa DeLauro. "Not to mention the truly unique 600 plant species in one single hectare of land."
Obama has frequently mentioned Estonia during speeches, noted White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "When I'm alone with him, it's all he talks about."

Entire Population of Tartu to Compete in Olympics

2010-01-27T08:50:00.020-05:00

The entire city of Tartu has been selected to represent Estonia in the Vancouver Winter Olympics, writes Postimees Online. With 102,000 athletes, Estonia's 'Team Tartu' will participate in seven disciplines.
12,890 Tartu residents will form the luge team, riding on snow shovels borrowed from the city's sanitation department. For a competitive edge, the members of Tartu's Annelinn bowling league will "bowl a few balls into the track when other teams are competing.. to keep them on their toes," said luge coach Karli Kaval with a sly grin. Without the funding necessary to rent slalom skis, 8900 Tartu residents will compete in the Aggressively Falling Down A Mountain event.
22,150 University of Tartu staff and students will compete in the combined sport of Curling+Figure Skating. Their trainer, Oskar Omareiglid, said "This demonstration of Estonian Moving Target Curling will take the world, the judges, and the figure skaters by surprise. With our rules, each skater knocked over with a curling stone is worth 5 points. Flattening a pair at the same time is 50 points, like a bulls eye in darts," he said. Omareiglid's strategy is to launch up to 75 curling stones at once in a technique he calls ‘the Blitzkrieg.’ He is confident of a medal.
6,500 Tartu Cross Country ski team members have already departed for Vancouver, on skis. Coach Sammi Suuskama said "They are novices. But they are crossing countries aready, and will cross 19 countries before reaching Vancouver. When they arrive, they'll be ready."
Tartu’s 21,000 strong 'Pensioner Posse' will compete in the Icy Sidewalk Smack down, a demonstration sport in 2010. The Posse are feared for their steely eyed determination, low center of gravity, and ruthlessness in a cold weather queue. The remaining 27,500 Tartu residents will spend their time canvassing Vancouver’s bars, ensuring the Russian Olympic team remains drunk. Their motto, said one team member, is “keep the baby on the tit”.
The most controversial contingent are the 9,900 bi-athletes, who are attending despite objections of Tartu's mayor Lauri Lollpea, who said "I support the Olympics, but this is sport, not a gay pride parade."

Savisaar Adds Sales Tax

2010-01-27T05:58:00.003-05:00

Beginning July 1, the City of Tallinn will add a one-percent sales tax to some goods sold within its boundaries. The city believes the tax will generate 150 million EEK over a six-month period. Merchants claim the sales tax will cause confusion as well as inconvenience, as it will not be applied across the board.
According to critics, Tallinn Mayor Edgar Savisaar may be unstoppable in his march toward a system of tax collecting similar to the American Double EZ system with its two-line tax form: "1. Write on the following line the amount of money you earned last year _______. 2. Pay that amount."

Estonian Air Cuts, Expands

2010-01-27T05:50:00.003-05:00

In the face of 30 percent salary reductions for stewardesses and pilots, Estonian Air today announced it would expand by opening new routes to Melchizedek, Poyais, Ishmaelia, Bangalia, the Kingdom of EnenKio, Absurdsvanj, and Claw Island. "This kind of aggressive expansion on the back of salary cuts is unparalleled in the industry," said Estonian Air chief Andrus Aljas.
Captain salaries before the cuts were between 50,000 and 60,000 EEK per month, with co-pilots earning 30,000 to 35,000 EEK. How will Aljas motivate his pilots to fly more for less money? "We are reincorporating the company in the tax jurisdiction of Melchizedek," said Aljas, "where there is zero personal income tax and no social tax." Estonian tax authorities did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

Milk Soup, And Other Estonian Culinary Triumphs

2010-01-26T15:44:00.027-05:00

After the positive press Latvia received for commemorating the diplomatic "de jure" statehood recognition granted it years ago, Estonia hastily organized its own 'du jour' celebration. Lembit Lusikas, spokesman for Estonia's foreign ministry, claimed "Latvia's not the only one with traditions. Estonia has its own 'du jour' status, too. And today, we commemorate the historic 'Soup du Jour,' which is French for 'A Tiny Northern State With Blond Women and Six Toed Men Who Don't Talk So Much'."
Responding to critics who say 'soup du jour' is unrelated to the Latin phrase 'de jure', and that he made the whole thing up to get publicity, Lusikas said, "Oh no, we have blond women, and we are known for our soups! Like piimasupp (milk soup), for example, which is sublime, and simple. And," he added excitedly, "vanavillisokkisupp (old woolen sock soup) is a yummy mixture of congealed fat, lamb's wool, and day old rice that's served cold, like gazpacho." Lusikas continued, "Just as the word 'sauna' comes from Finland, Estonia has given the world 'soup.' You can find Estonian inspired culinary havens called 'soup kitchens' from America to Zimbabwe. You know, Hemingway supposedly said "in every port, you can find an Estonian," but the precise quote, from To Have and Have Not is, 'in every pot, there's Estonian soup.' Yes sir," he said, wiggling his many toes with enthusiasm.

Estonia Names Athletes, Wins Candy Bar Contract

2010-01-26T04:04:00.001-05:00

Estonia's Olympic Committee never thought selecting its 27 athletes and 33 coaches for the Vancouver Winter Olympics could be so profitable. But Pepsico, a key sponsor of the Vancouver Olympics, monitors all entrant names, and almost immediately selected athlete Indrek Tobreluts. "No," said a Pepsico spokesman, "our new candybar will not be named Indrek. The 'drek' part is unappealing." It is the Tobreluts part that interests Pepsico, and beginning next month they will launch a 200-million dollar advertising campaign behind a new triangle shaped candybar. The Estonian Olympic Committee says they are confident some of the other athletes' names would be soon selected as product monikers. "Kaspar Kokk has a pretty interesting last name," noted an Olympic Committee member. "The Trojan people have opened discussions with us."

Latvian Spelloff

2010-01-26T04:03:00.000-05:00

With a series of events today and tomorrow, Latvia's Foreign Ministry will commemorate the day of Latvia's international recognition. Diplomatic representatives from around the world will take place in snowman building competition in Riga parks, as well the fifteen annual Spellorama, Latvia's spelling bee for ambassadors. Traditionally, ambassadors are asked to spell obscure Latvian proper nouns (Dienvidu, Saulkrasti were last year's stumpers), as well as to recite a long list of male Latvian names without laughing.

Tallinn Airport Removes Landing Fees; Builds Airplane Museum

2010-01-25T11:12:00.009-05:00

In an attempt to boost competitiveness against regional airport powerhouses like Helsinki and Riga, Tallinn Airport Development Director Lauri Lendama says that the airport intends a radical move to eliminate landing fees entirely this Spring, Postimees Online reports. Lendama said in an interview that aviation is evolving so that fees from planes are falling while fees for passengers are increasing. “And we’re taking it to the n’th degree.” He said.
"It's in line with our development plan, which is simple," he said. "We let planes land for free. And then tell them our departure fees are four million dollars per plane,” he said with a sly grin. "Then, when they refuse to pay the fees, we impound the planes, and start our airplane museum. And we can sell tickets for that" he said, adding "tourists will flock from miles around, arriving by bus. Naturally, we'll let the buses park for free, but when it's time to leave they learn about our Bus Departure Tarriff."

Gas to Cost 30% More

2010-01-25T10:35:00.012-05:00

Natural gas tariffs in Latvia will increase in spring, writes Dienas Bizness. Latvijas Gaze enigmatic board chairman Serejs Skaititajs, in a press conference yesterday, said "As the economic crisis ends in Europe, consumption of oil products will increase sharply, and therefore gas prices will increase too."
Asked why, after record high oil & gas inventories and a worldwide recession, increased consumption should result in higher instead of lower prices, he said “it’s as simple as understanding that trees waving back and forth is what makes the wind blow. It’s a force of nature, man. An enigma, wrapped in Ritalin, baked in Alaska. I am the walrus." Asked to clarify this, a visibly displeased Skaititajs said "The prices are fucking going up, alright?”

Zatlers Almost Dismisses Saeima

2010-01-25T10:20:00.009-05:00

Latvian President Valdis Zatlers last week was close to being the first president of Latvia to dismiss the Saeima, writes daily newspaper Neatkariga. Zatlers was engaged in attempts to reconcile New Era with the People's Party in order to achieve political stability ahead of a landmark Saeima vote authorizing the government to continue talks with international lenders, and had threatened to dismiss the Saeima if this reconciliation did not succeed. Although Zatlers did not manage to reconcile the two parties, he did not carry out his threat because, according to one aid who wished to remain anonymous, “he was pretty busy.”
Other things President Zatlers almost did last week included skydiving, riding a motorcycle in the nude, and “once,” Zatlers' spokesman admitted, he almost passed wind at a State Dinner. “Thankfully, he didn’t,” said the spokesman, quickly adding – “it was his chief of staff.”

Latvian Communities Secede

2010-01-25T09:56:00.009-05:00

In what appears to be a growing trend in Latvia, the residents of Mersrags in Kurzeme wish to secede from Roja Region, according to the Latvian newspaper Diena. But the Ministry of Regional Development and Local Governments will only be able to act after Roja residents express their opinion on the matter. Said one frequent visitor to the region, “They’re like the Shiites and Sunni’s out there – killing each other's goats, having blood feuds, honor killings – I say let ‘em separate.”
In the meantime, the town of Balozi does not want to merge with neighboring Kekava, because, according to official documents, “the name ‘Kekava’ means ‘leftovers’ in Greek, and is unsuitable for the citizens of Balozi.” In a sharp response Kekava town councilman Artis Atliekas said “that’s mighty rich coming from the residents of a town named ‘Pigeons.’" Other secessionists include Aluksne, who recently annexed itself to Oaxaca, Mexico because, according to Aluksne mayor Armands Arbuzs, “it will be easier to enter the U.S. and find work that way.” Finally, Mayor Sandijs Slinkot says his town, formerly known as Aizkraukle has changed its name to Bordeaux and adopted Napoleonic law, because, "the French don't work much and we don't neither."

Officer Krupke, Language Cop

2010-01-21T04:50:00.006-05:00

There are some in Estonia who would surgically remove their citizens' senses of humor in order to rigidly enforce language laws. For example, according to one source, a language inspectorate official once demanded the word "steakhouse" be removed from a restaurant sign and replaced with "lihamaja" (meat house--with connotations of "slaughterhouse").
The Livonian Chronicle is pleased to celebrate the Finns, who guard their language at least as closely as the Estonians, though do make exceptions for businesses serving primarily foreigners, as well as for those who demonstrate a well-developed sense of humor. The Helsinki hair salon, Bad Hair Day?, at left, is one such example. And in recognition of their daring in the face of any Finnish Officers Krupke, we award them this free advertisement.

Lithuania's CIA Prison Investigation Ends

2010-01-21T02:38:00.007-05:00

The Lithuanian Seimas voted this week to determine whether a CIA prison existed in the country with 71 MPs voting in the affirmative. Twelve MPs said there wasn't, and 17 abstained, many citing fear of receiving a hot poker in the rectum from a disgruntled CIA staffer. Minister of Defense Rasa Jukneviciene said that unpleasant things needed to be solved and that issues become complicated. "And as everyone knows," said the minister, "parliament was never intended to deal with complicated matters." The minister said Lithuanian-American relations would not be affected and added that "the CIA is welcome to continue to operate their equestrian club and stable as long as they do it in the basement of the American embassy."
Lithuanian nudist equestrian, left, after nasty fall from horse.

Estonia Donates, Latvia Chafes

2010-01-21T02:30:00.002-05:00

So far the European Commission and member states have donated 122 million euros to Haiti, Estonia's contribution totaling 3.9 million euros. Two-and-a-half million of Estonia's gift was channeled through the Red Cross with the remainder allocated to fund the visits of IT- and logistics experts. ("We believe everyone has the right to Skype," noted a spokesman for Estonia.)
For Latvia's part, a hat was passed in parliament where 23 lats were collected, plus one 50-cent euro coin which the hat-passer located on the floor near the coffee machine. Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis donated the unfinished half of his chicken-salad sandwich before remarking, "This is just like the Estonians. They're always trying to show off."

Parex Sold to Afghanistan

2010-01-21T02:28:00.000-05:00

During a closed cabinet session, the Latvian government has approved a deal with Nomura International to assist in the sale of Parex Bank. Contract details will be made public in one week, but inside sources tell the Livonian Chronicle that Nomura has already brokered a deal to relocate the bank to Afghanistan. "By their standards," said a Nomura source on the condition of anonymity, "this is a highly exceptional bank." The source pointed out that while Parex may have been the victim of poor management and downright skullduggery, "it has never once been bombed by a B-52 Stratofortress."

Latvia Eliminates Universities

2010-01-20T05:04:00.003-05:00

Latvia's Saeima Culture and Science Committee has concluded that there are too many universities and colleges in Latvia and that the number of higher-education establishments must be reduced. Accordingly, beginning February, 2010, the Stockholm School of Economics will become a welding school. "I've said for many years that arc welding is as practical if not more so than an MBA," said Gints Lazo, Professor of Safe Acetylene Torch Handling at the New Stockholm School of Welding. Also, in the coming months, the Daugavpils Pedagogical University will merge with the University of Latvia to form the Razmatazz School of Performing Arts, with the directive to develop musical talent for cruise ships using the Port of Riga.
Latvian university diplomas (left). Take one.

ECB Frowns Upon Estonia's Statistics Law

2010-01-20T02:29:00.005-05:00

European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet has criticized the new Estonian statistics law, saying the Ministry of Finance will have too much a hand in manipulating statistics. The law in its current form would allow for interference Trichet claims. Finance Minister Jürgen Ligi says the bill is in line with the Eurostat directive and should not be changed "on the whim of some frog banker with a well-cut suit."
The new statistical rules: All good numbers will be rounded up. Bad numbers shall be rounded down. Really bad numbers shall be explained by insufficient sample size or omitted from reports altogether and/or blamed on Russian cyberhackers. Especially good numbers shall be printed in a type size larger than 18, while bad numbers should always be printed in type size 8 and located only in document appendices. If statistics are particularly unfavorable on a repetitive basis, such as in Latvia or sub-Saharan Africa, new statistics may be made up.
J'accuse! Jean-Claude Trichet, above, is taller and better dressed than Jürgen Ligi.

Real Estate Agencies Declare Crisis Over

2010-01-20T02:24:00.004-05:00

Yet another Estonian newspaper has granted column inches to a real estate broker to make readers once again feel confident purchasing real estate: this time Ober Haus. Ober Haus noted that prices of housing real estate in the suburbs of Riga and Tallinn grew by four and seven percent respectively versus Q3 2009. Comparing Q4 to Q3, Ober Haus noted, is entirely within the bounds set by the new Estonian statistics law. "Statistics clearly indicate that the crisis has passed and we may once again invest in real estate knowing that it is the one investment which will never decrease in value," said an Ober Haus spokesman. "After careful analysis we have determined that the past two years, statistically, did not occur."

Bright Object in Sky Baffles Baltic Scientists

2010-01-19T00:07:00.004-05:00

At 10:45 a.m. yesterday a blindingly bright object appeared in the Estonian sky approximately ten to fifteen degrees above the horizon. The scientific community quickly gathered to observe and analyze, but no consensus has been reached on an explanation. "Forty years ago something similar appeared this time of year," said Urmas Uuring, chairman of Estonia's League of Scientists. "We are entertaining a variety of theories and performing experiments and will release a conclusion when the data warrant it." Scientists have already publicly disagreed over the light source, the fight led by Estonia's most vocal critic of global warming theory, Endel Lipmaa, who is convinced the light is an alien spacecraft. "Heed my words," said the noted scientist. "And don't come crying to me if you're taken on board against your will and anally penetrated." Other noted scientists have theorized that the entire population is drunk and may be collectively imagining the light.
Witnesses report the object giving off enough light that car headlamps are no longer needed for driving, and in some apartment buildings cigarette lighters no longer required to find your way in the stairwells.

Bruni and Ilves Release Duet

2010-01-19T00:01:00.005-05:00

Following in the footsteps of First Lady Carla Bruni, Estonia's First Lady Evelin Ilves has released her first album, First Lady First. "When Carla Bruni released her third album, Comme si de rien n'etait, after marrying Mr. Sarkozy, I realized what a full life one may lead after marrying a president," said Ilves to pop music writer Sasha Frere Jones, in part one of a six-part interview conducted for the American magazine, the New Yorker.
Like Bruni, Ilves also has composed the music and written the lyrics for her songs. Bruni joins Ilves on one of the tracks, "Transfat Trauma," in a duet where the gravelly-voiced Bruni sings scat while Ilves raps in the background about the pressures of public life. To promote First Lady First, Bruni and Ilves will headline through February 15th in the Showbaar Lounge aboard Tallink's M/S Superstar.

Latvians Adopt National Haircut

2010-01-18T05:05:00.003-05:00

Emboldened by Belarus' adoption of a national stench, the Latvian Seima has passed a resolution requiring men over 18 years of age to adopt the national haircut. "A crew cut is a good way of letting you know a Latvian has entered the room," said Minister for Culture Ints Dālderis who sponsored the law. The minister added that the hairstyle also lends itself to the quick removal of head lice with a pocket comb.
In draft form, says Dālderis, are other laws which will institute a national suit, shoes, and Sunday-go-to-meetin's track suit.

Germany Has Mighty Big Meinschaft: Estonia Wants It

2010-01-18T03:42:00.002-05:00

German foreign minister Guido Westerwelle values Estonia’s aspirations to fulfill the Maastricht criteria and expressed Germany’s political support for Estonia to join the euro area, Postimees Online reports. Prime Minister Andrus Ansip met with Westerwelle recently in Estonia. In a press conference after the meeting Westerwelle said, “Chancellor Merkel asked me to look into Estonia’s application to the Eurozone. So, I had my team conduct a boatload of economic analyses – I have enough Estonian macro economic charts to paper the walls of the Bundestag. But in the end, it is the question of size of the meinschaft, jah? Ours is big and yours is little. You know, the meinschaft of my home in North Rhine-Wesphalia every day spends more on schnitzel und bier at the lunch counter than Estonia’s annual GDP. So we say, what the hell, it makes no difference, let ‘em in. Jah!”

Estonian Air becomes X-Air

2010-01-18T02:06:00.005-05:00

In a landmark deal, Tallinn's gentleman's club, the X-Club, has purchased SAS's shares in Estonian Air and taken control of the airline. "This should surprise no one," said X-Club spokesman Tiina Tissi, "since many considered us the government's strategic partner, anyway." Over the weekend, all Estonian Air's Boeing and Saabs were repainted with the X-Club logo.
Terms of the deal are confidential, but insiders said the deal was financed mainly with VIP X-cards for the Harju Street club. Estonian Air pilots have been temporarily retained but stewardesses have already been replaced. "The transition from adult entertainer to stewardess is not difficult for X-club dancers," said Tissi. "Our girls not only speak better English, but they've already memorized tricky phrases like 'return your seatback to its original, upright, locked position.'" The spokesman added that "airline phrases can be sexy when you let them be."
Estonian Air's new logo (left) adorns its Boeing and Saabs. The airline's Cessnas will not carry the new logo.

Lithuania to help Haiti's quake victims

2010-01-17T16:13:00.001-05:00

Lithuania's Ministry of Foreign Affairs will allocate 50,000 litas (14,485 euros) to the victims of a recent earthquake in Haiti. According to Lithuania's Foreign Minister Vygaudas Usackas, Lithuania is a responsible member of the international community and "cannot be indifferent to the catastrophe that affected other people, which is why we are sending this money." The Foreign Ministry Spokesman Algirdas Junketivicius, said the funds had been ear marked for Cabinet of Ministers conference on fiscal discipline, which was scheduled to begin tomorrow in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti. "But the Haitians fucked that up with this annoying earthquake," he said. Asked why the amount was so small, he replied, "Small? We are sending them the money we would have spent on tips in the Haitian strip bars, and Mister, those are some big tips!" he said, adding "And I know the Lithuanian people would approve. Like us, they are a compassionate, and moral people."

Latvia Sends Foreign Aid to Haiti

2010-01-17T16:01:00.009-05:00

Latvia has also decided to send aid to Haiti. A Latvian naval vessel will sail tomorrow with 320,000 sals-maize ("salt-bread") baskets as gifts for all the residents of Port-Au-Prince. "The sals-maize basket is a traditional welcome gift for friends in a new home," said Peteris Davana, spokesman of Latvia's Foreign Ministry. "We usually put salt in a basket carved out of rye bread," he said, "the sort we used to call 'bull bread,' since it was so cheap in the Soviet era we fed it to our animals! But now the Soviet bulls are all dead and what else can we do with all this damn bread?" he asked. "We would have sent money, but the IMF's aid package to Latvia has one line item for disaster relief that allows EUR 50,000 to be spent on 'hopeless and desperate countries,' and we have already spent those funds internally, ordering 10 new pin striped leather suits for our Latvian Minister of Finance."
Davana said that Latvians empathize with the Haitians, whose old homes have been obliterated in the recent earthquake, and he hopes the Haitians will have the good sense to be in their new homes before this bread arrives in two weeks' time. "If they aren't, it would be considered rude."

BaltiStat

2010-01-15T06:29:00.006-05:00

Cost per month for Mayor of Tallinn's new Mercedes-Benz 350 CDI 4Matic: 1,154 euros.

Average monthly net salary in Estonia: 456 euros.

January unemployment in Estonia: 130,000. (Estonian labor force: 693,000.)

Sources: Äripäev, Estonica, CIA Factbook.

Kallas: Still Supports Rail Baltica

2010-01-15T06:06:00.003-05:00

Estonia's Eurocommissioner Siim Kallas said one of the reasons the Rail Baltica project--connecting the Baltic states with Europe via rail--is lagging is because the Baltic states lack ambition.
Research shows Baltic citizens prefer stinky Hungarian buses with locked bathrooms and no air conditioning over comfortable trains. "It's just that sadomasochist inside every eastern European," said Kallas in his Thursday address in a European Parliament hearing. The Eurocommisioner also cited the difference in rail gauge as another barrier to joining western Europe's modern rail system. "Also, on TGV-type trains you can't walk between the cars and smoke or hang your head out the window and spit," the commissioner added.
Kallas, left, vows he won't trim mustache until Rail Baltica is built.

Medvedev to Visit Lithuania?

2010-01-14T03:36:00.005-05:00

Lithuanian President Dalia Grybauskaite will invite Russia's President Dmitry Medvedev to attend the 20th anniverary of Lithuania's restored independence. She announced the decision at a parliamentary sitting to commemorate the country's Freedom Defenders: "We invite all neighboring presidents, those who eat with forks and those who eat with their hands, to join us for this sacred event."
Asked if the invitation to the Russian president was a turning point in foreign policy, she replied, "This means I want to know whether Lithuania is important to its neighbors." A spokesman for the Kremlin said Mr. Medvedev's oldest daughter's birthday is March 11th, and Grybauskaite should not take insult if the Russian president chooses instead to attend her piñata party. Traditionally, the Medvedev family's piñata has been a replica of the head of musician Frank Zappa.

Estonia's Great Cash Giveaway

2010-01-14T03:34:00.004-05:00

Estonia, bathing in excess cash and without any problems of its own, will allocate one million kroons for earthquake victims in Haiti, announced Minister of Foreign Affairs Urmas Paet. Even though the country's unemployment approaches that of Spain, Paet said helping others before helping oneself has always been a trademark of Estonians. "We are the world's most unselfish people. If someone opens a door for you somewhere, that person is likely an Estonian. If someone helps an old lady across the street, that person is probably an Estonian. We are a nation known for our kindness, open spirit, and generosity." Paet made the announcement flanked by hungry pensioners wearing tshirts reading Mi casa, su casa.
Urmas Paet (right) and the hand that feeds.

Latvian Violinist Dazzles in Face of Denied Asylum

2010-01-14T01:50:00.003-05:00

Stripped of his dressing room's makeup mirror by the Latvian state as punishment for his attempted defection to Japan, Latvian Symphony Orchestra's first chair violinist Edgars Lazo stood and delivered a stunning performance of Bach's Partita in D minor at Tokyo Opera City. Enthusiastic Japanese fans, clearly aware of the difficulty of the Ciaccona, or the fifth movement of Bach's solo for violin, mobbed the stage and carried the violinist on their shoulders into the streets. "This is the greatest day of my life," said classical music fan Shunghee Yubahashi. "Lazo's performance of the fifteen minute Chaconne [Ciaccona, -ed.] was astonishing."
Latvian authorities, however, were unimpressed. Armed Latvian militia followed Lazo and his fans into the street, though they later lost track of their subject and were later discovered at a local strip club. "The first thing we learn in police work," said officer Arnolds Slesers, "is that when you're lost you stop moving around; find the closest strip club and wait for help to arrive."
Lazo returned to his symphony colleagues at the hotel by his own volition. "I still want to defect from Latvia, and I will try again." he said. "But not before I have performed the Penderecki violin concerto number 2 for the people of Japan." Lazo noted that Anne Sophie Mutter had once played it. "But," he sniffed, "mine will flow like oil."

To Do, 2010

2010-01-14T01:45:00.001-05:00

The USA's National Public Radio has predicted what Barack Obama's 2010 To Do List might resemble. The list includes: Pacify Afghanistan, Draw down troops in Iraq, Counter Iran and North Korea, Manage China's rise, Close Guantanamo, Reach out to pariahs, Avoid disaster in Pakistan, Progress on climate change, Manage global economy, Put domestic priorities first.
The staff of the Livonian Chronicle invites her readers to put their heads together and come up with what are likely to be the Baltic leaders' To Do Lists for 2010. Our Estonia-based editor, Hank, kicks it off in the comment section below.

Skid-marks Case Baffles Experts

2010-01-13T05:25:00.004-05:00

The number of registered crimes in Estonia fell last year to 48,359, with police declaring 48.5% of them solved. Unsolved remains the mysterious case of which parliamentarian wiped his bottom with the expensive white hand towels in the riigikogu bathrooms. Known locally as the skid-marks case, it has baffled both local police as well as special investigators from KaPo. "We'd like to conduct a DNA test but don't have the court-issued authorization to take a blood- or skin sample from every parliamentarian," said KaPo spokesman Karl Kakamäe. "That may take six months or longer to get and by that time our forensics experts say the fecal matter on the towels is worthless."
But not everyone believes it should be so complicated. "Everyone knows who's doing it," said Tiit Tüütu, custodian for the parliament's second-floor lavatory, "but they all just keep silent. I don't think we need Miami CSI to solve this one." Parliament Speaker Ene Ergma has been particularly upset by the incident and has repeatedly voiced worry. "I don't want this on my Wikipedia page," she told an interviewer with the weekly Eesti Ekspress. Ergma is a leading proponent of the theory that members of the Tallinn city government have infiltrated the premises and are perpetrating the crime. "There is no real basis for that theory," noted KaPo's Kakumäe.

Political Parties Unite to Work Off Campaign Debt

2010-01-13T01:59:00.007-05:00

It isn't often Estonians see Edgar Savisaar, Andrus Ansip, and Mart Laar, figureheads of the Centre, Reform, and IRL parties, respectively, working elbow to elbow. But for the rest of the winter both are doing just that--pick axes in hand in an oil shale mine--in order to pay off their parties' massive local election debt (seven million-, four million-, and six million EEK, respectively). But oil shale mining itself cannot hope to cover the debt, and the three-party coalition has agreed that the men will also serve as stewards aboard Tallink boats, hosts on Estonian Air, and finally, if the debt remains still unsettled, the trio will work as male prostitutes in an EU capital to be named by the court.
The court-ordered indentured servitude may carry on even longer for Mr. Savisaar, whose party still has an unpaid 25 million EEK loan from the 2007 parliamentary elections and a 4.8 million EEK debt to the ad agency Kontuur Leo Burnett. The advertising agency Idea AD has asked the courts to force Centre Party into bankruptcy over what it owes that agency.
"Ansip never did a day's real work in his life," sneered Mr. Laar, as he drove his pick axe into a dark vein underground in Kohtla-Järve. "He thinks his days as an athlete somehow counted." Mr. Ansip, covered in toxic dust, declined comment. Mr. Savisaar, for his part, worked steadily, although he was connected to a respirator. "A concession we had to make," shrugged Laar. "Even in the office he's hooked up to that thing." Laar said that he himself had done a lot of physical labor in his youth while attending malevs, which were quickly characterized as "lemonade-sipping- and chess-playing-under-shade-tree festivals" by Mr. Savisaar, shouting to be heard from behind his respirator mask.
Photo left: Edgar Savisaar (left) makes crack about Ansip's mother. Laar (center) looks on.

Mormons in Negotiations to Buy Tallinn

2010-01-12T02:52:00.006-05:00

Spurred by the tragedy that is Estonian Air, the Church of the Latter Day Saints may soon take possession of Tallinn.
Yesterday, Estonian Air issued a warning that it would soon issue an overall loss for 2009, though the figure will be announced only after audit. Livonian Chronicle sources, however, characterized the number as "frightening" and "one which will cause an ordinary man to soil his pants." Estonian Air President Andrus Aljas partially explained the loss, noting extraordinary expenditures from the return of two planes to the leasing firm. The airline posted a loss of 170 MM EEK in 2008 and a loss of 52 MM EEK in 2007. Year 2006 was profitable, though, as sources recalled, that profit was due only to the sale of one of Estonian Air's Boeings.
It's not all bad news for Estonia, however. The salvation of the country's air transit system (and perhaps economy in general) may come at the hands of the Mormon Church, which recently reached an agreement with Mayor Edgar Savisaar to dispatch 300,000 missionaries to work the city of Tallinn. Contract details were not forthcoming, but the mayor's office did disclose that the church agreed to fly Estonian Air and land all the missionaries at Tallinn Airport, whose traffic was down 26 percent in 2008. "The missionaries are bright young men who bring a fresh point of view to this sinning, pagan land," said a spokesman for the mayor. According to sources, the city of Tallinn is negotiating to sell the entire city to the Mormon Church with Mr. Savisaar retaining the honorary title of Bishop.

American Marines to Occupy Estonia's North Coast

2010-01-12T02:43:00.004-05:00

In June, 500 US Marines will land on Estonia's northern coast. Eesti Päevaleht reports that the equipment the Marines will use may be seen in the movie "Saving Private Ryan." Marine Corps General Ticonderoga Bill Basterwaite, reached at the American Armed Forces headquarters in Frankfurt, confirmed the report. "Those bastard journalists got it exactly right this time. Five hundred of the meanest sonsabitches you'll ever see will land using vintage WWII equipment which is so out of date it's absolutely useless to anyone, and then we'll be spared the expense of hauling it out of your country. Like those Swedish Army bicycles, we'll call it foreign aid and just leave it behind to rot in your front yard."
The landing will take place on June 11th, and all are invited. General Basterwaite suggests a battleside picnic of strawberries and champagne. "And take quality moving pictures," added the General, "so those Russkie bastards can see how World War Two equipment can still shake the ground beneath you."

Loan Shark Estonia: Latvia Borrows 100 Large; Pledges Lithuania

2010-01-11T06:04:00.013-05:00

Estonia will grant Latvia a 100 million euro loan at market conditions, Eesti Ekspress writes. The loan is part of a joint aid package with the Nordic states and is funded by the EU Structural Loan Shark Assistance Program. Latvia has offered to pledge Lithuania as collateral for the loan, which, according to Bank of Estonia, leaves Estonia under collateralized. “Who wants Lithuania?” asked Lauri Pant, Bank of Estonia spokesman, “Even Poland coughed them up like a hairball after WWII,” he said. “Because of this, we have applied a sovereign risk premium of 148%, which makes the vic 12 million large,” he said, using the language of high finance to refer to the monthly interest bill.
As part of the loan, Latvia’s President Valdis Zatlers has also pledged his summer home in Saulkrasti, as well as his wife’s collection of Belorussian crystal miniature puppies. In return, Estonia is granting Latvia the use of a Visa Classic debit card, a Skype account, and as a signing bonus, one free toaster.